Fantasy to Reality

One of the realities of pursuing a fantasy can rear its ugly head in the idea of real expectations. That is a big reason why I have always tried to be clear on what it is I am looking for when things become action after living inside my mind as thoughts for so long.

Chasing a fantasy can be quite daunting when you get right down to it. There are a lot of circumstances that occur which you no longer have any control over in your mind - such as how the other person will react to the situation, as well as the realization that we all have true flaws. From the physical to the sexual, our individual quirks are no longer hidden away in the paradise of the dream. The perfect scene that we have held in our imaginations for so long may not be how it really plays out.

And if that only strikes you as your panties hit the floor, you could be in for a very scary ride.

Like so many of you, I have fantasies that I have crafted in my very healthy imagination; and I know some of those will not come to fruition. I have also had the wonderful opportunity to pursue some really awesome ones ... which is why I am also cautious about getting too excited when the moment comes.

This past weekend, I found myself in deep discussion about some of this. I mentioned to a friend that someone I knew was looking for Santa to bring him and his wife a threesome.

I would hazard to say that this is a fair number of people's most popular fantasy - whether it's MFM or FMF. I know it ranks very highly on my own sexual bucket list; something I have blogged about a number of times.

Christmas and New Years seem to be when a lot of this kind of thing surfaces. People are caught up in the excitement of the season, or the reality of the need to change where life is heading. I've met a few people who have suffered through the pause that comes to life when the clock strikes midnight on December 31 and they vow to live and love on a higher level.

It's a complicated emotion when it hits - and from what I have seen, can result in some pretty disastrous situations. Especially if the same resolution is not on your partner's list of things to change in the coming months.

I think one of the better resolutions would be is that of vowing to communicate about your sexual fantasies a lot more. That way, the pressure of having to actually pursue one isn't as ridiculous. Plus, you may find some of those fantasies become realities a lot faster when you are able to have honest, insightful and truthful conversations with your partner. They may surprise you ... And lead you to something even more exciting and erotic than the visions in your head.

Andee     xoxo

How Can I Share My Fantasies ...

Without question, sexual fantasy plays a big role in my life. Over the past couple years, I have used this blog as a way to express and share them on a much more open level. Sometimes they just appear and my husband reads them just as you guys do, other times they have been discussed at great length, shared as way to heat up the action in the bedroom, and placed in a priority position on my sexual bucket list.

I’m really fortunate in that I am able to share them, explore some, and look forward to turning others into realities. My partner is exceptionally understanding and encouraging when it comes to my fantasies. Some of my adventure is a direct result of that sharing, while other parts are simply the path towards discovering even more.

At the same time, I also know that there are many people who just don’t have the same opportunity or courage to make them part of the conversation with their own partners. I don't have an answer as to why I got lucky like I did, but I know it always makes me a little concerned when I get a question like this:

How do I share my sexual fantasies with my wife?

This can be a very precarious situation. Not everyone is ready to hear about how much you want to nail that girl from accounting in the supply closet, or you want to frolic in the pool house at the family barbecue with her sister.

My own advice starts with getting to understand her perspectives on sexual fantasies. Does she have any that she is open to sharing with you – even if they are far-fetched or simplistic? I tend to have fantasies that kind of fit into both. I have no problem describing exactly how I want a number of threesome/foursome/moresome fantasies to play out, but at the same time count being photographed in a romantic embrace with my husband in front of the Eiffel Tower as a fantasy. The point being, if it’s something she desires but just hasn’t happened yet – that can be a fantasy.

Understanding what motivates her libido and eases her imagination into overdrive is really important when you want to have a conversation about what goes on between your own ears. Can you say that she has the confidence in knowing that you wouldn’t react with jealousy if she dished on what fuels her libido when her mind wanders?

It's also important that both sides of the conversation completely understand that a fantasy is simply that - a little brain candy with no direct impact on the affection you feel for your partner. Just because you have those thoughts doesn't mean you want to act on them.

"Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other's objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other's private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?" says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women's Fantasies. "How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple."

From my not-a-sex-expert point of view, the first thing is to open the doors to the sharing. A romantic dinner, a long walk or even one of those Sunday country drives may provide a non-threatening atmosphere in which to start the conversation. Sometimes trying to pry open the sexual fantasy barn door while in the bedroom can imply that there are conditions attached to the sharing; as in, are you trying to turn your partner on with this talk?

Communication is always the key ...

"Don't expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That's all part of the fantasy," says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women's health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville.. "Ask yourself, 'What's going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun? Life's too short to wait for your partner to figure it out."

Fantasies | Are You Ready To Share

I guess I have never really considered just how lucky I am to have a partner that I can share and talk about my sexual fantasies with. With my 38th birthday approaching this weekend - yes, that's right ... 38, he has been scheming and planning something. For the past two weeks I have found little notes tucked away in odd places, some with quotes and sayings that mean something special to us, and others with a bit of homework. Yes, so sometime before Saturday I need to write out some of my own personal fantasies - for what reason is yet to be seen. But I'm exceptionally curious.

The other day, when I was tweeting some of the nonsense that I find in trashy women’s magazines, one of my online friends sent me note about how they wished their wife would even admit to having one fantasy – never mind going into any graphic details.

Aside from being sympathetic, I was a little disappointed on his behalf. My fantasies are what keep my mind alive and distracted from the world around me. And it doesn’t hurt that it also brings a smile to my face and some excitement to my marriage.

My friend was looking for advice on what is the most important thing to keep in mind when sharing a sexual fantasy with your spouse.

I’m not an expert in this, so all I can really do is reflect on what worked for me … and some of the important considerations I believe help make the fantasy a positive. Let’s be honest, some people might be intimidated by the thoughts that swirl around in their partner’s head when it comes to sexual adventures.

The biggest thing is knowing that the lines of communication are open. The worst thing you can do is drop a fantasy on them at a moment when they aren’t expecting it. From a woman’s perspective, if you’re in the middle of some sweaty mattress dancing with me, blurting out that you have dreams about bending the miniskirt-wearing intern over the boardroom table might not be considered “good timing.”

In thinking back on how we’ve gotten to the point in our own relationship, the one thing my husband did an awful lot of was asking questions. And then asking more questions. And he never seemed to respond to my answers with any kind of judgment or commentary, he just asked more questions. Eventually it became a whole world of talking about what turned me on – and doing little things that made me realize he actually listened.

Of course, that wasn’t just based on sexual fantasies. It’s the same approach he has used for so much of what he has brought into our relationship. We constantly talk, we constantly text … we often sext. The doors are open for sharing.

I admit there are still some things I keep pretty close to my chest and he has yet to learn. But all in good time.

The other thing is having a really good idea about how your spouse will react to your fantasy. It’s really important to understand that they may not share that same idea with you. She might not like the miniskirt-wearing intern, and that could lead to some jealousy. Better to test the waters by taking small elements out of your fantasy. For example, I know you want to nail that little hottie while her miniskirt is hiked up and her four-inch stilettos are digging into the carpet … but the underlying thought is sex in the office. Why not begin with asking questions or painting a verbal picture of doing that act with your spouse … let that simmer and then gradually introduce the idea of either “getting caught by the hottie intern” or “what if you’re not there …”

You might even find that she doesn’t want you to have the miniskirt-wearing intern … because she wants you to watch her with the miniskirt-wearing intern.

Like all good stories, fantasies need to be built up.

One of the biggest disappointments I think I feel when I learn from my friends that their husbands have no clue as to their sexual fantasies is because they are afraid of being judged for them.

Maybe this is where I have it good. My husband is constantly asking me about mine … to the point where I think I might have to start making crazy things up just to keep him satisfied. No, truthfully, being able to talk about what turns you on from a fantasy point of view is very liberating and is something I wish more couples would do with each other.

Too many people see sexual fantasies as an indication of their own shortcomings: if I was a better lover, she wouldn’t have this thing for the UPS Delivery Guy. That’s so not true. Fantasies are a healthy part of being alive and being a sexual being. The challenge is to accept that more times than not, they aren’t literal desires, but rather hints of wanting some sort of new adventure.

Now, let’s acknowledge that some fantasies can be true. When I began to share with my husband about my desires for a little sexual adventure and more physical flirting with my Office Guy, I really meant with one specific man. My husband had long known that I fantasized about experiencing something with another man – always with him present – but it just evolved into a reality with this one.

However, it wasn’t just about me blurting out randomly. My hubby has spent a long time getting to know who I am, my deepest desires and wildest dreams. It’s been an investment and a world of encouragement. And he has had to learn to let go of some jealousies along the way. Most importantly, we have learned – together – that we want as much from life as we can get.

Are some things worth the hang-ups? I’m afraid you have to answer that yourself.

Andee     xoxo 

Fantasies | What Men Really Want ... ?

Surely you guys are getting bored with all the blogging lately about sexual fantasies, but it's been hard to get so many of these thoughts out of my head.

But, despite all that, it has also given me a great opportunity to learn a lot more about what makes us tick when it comes to the reality of a fantasy. We all have those thoughts that will just never be anything more than a bit of brain flirting ... I mean, I can turn my fantasy about my Office Guy into a reality, but I doubt very much that my threesome with Jennifer Aniston is ever going to materialize.

So what is it that we really fantasize about when it comes to achievable goals? First up is a little piece of an article I found when I was trying to figure out what it is that you men really think about when it comes to some realistic action.

Call it daydreaming, call it fantasizing ... call it a very healthy pastime! 

With a little embellishment from me – after a intriguing couple of months learning all about what turns guys on – the top five things that men really fantasize about – and that will keep him rushing back for home cooking, rather than hitting the local bar for take-out sushi.

Blow The Man Down
Unexpected, non-reciprocal oral sex. Men want head. They just don’t ask for blowjobs as often as they would, because they think you’ll demand immediate sexual gratification in return. Plus, they are worried you’ll turn them down. So, every so often when he doesn’t expect it, walk up to him, give him a kiss, get down on your knees, give him a blowjob, then zip him back up and go back to what you were doing – without saying a word. He’ll think you love his cock and you are the best partner he’s ever had in his entire life.

Andee's thoughts: I asked my husband about this because he is constantly telling me about how incredible my oral talents are. He said this is probably the one thing that occupies his mind when we are apart, and of all the places he can imagine me giving him one.

Bring A Friend
Thinking about you with another woman. No, you don’t have to actually eat the furry chalice in front of him or seduce one of your girlfriends. He just wants to be able to think about you doing so. Therefore, when you are in bed or want to get him into bed, tell him about a time you “experimented” in college tripping the clit fantastic. Don’t worry if you never actually did so. This is a time when it’s completely OK to lie to him. Just make sure you invent a person and don’t talk about someone he’s going to run into in real life. If talking about this makes him want you to try it again, simply tell him that once you had sex with him, you realized that dick was the only thing you ever wanted. Then, give him a blowjob.

Andee's thoughts: I would never encourage telling a lie to my partner in bed, for fear that he ever learned it, he would question everything – including the honestly amazing stuff. Well, unless you can tell an incredible story about what you would do to Jennifer Aniston without using your hands! Seriously, find someone to experiment with just once in your life; make it a bucket list item. You might be surprised just how delicious it actually is to make another woman clutch at the mattress and arch her back all because of what you can do with your tongue!

'You're Such A Stud!'
Believing you are always thinking about sex with him. He wants to think that he is such a stud that you are doing nothing with your life other than thinking about his dick. Really. This is an easy fantasy to satisfy. A couple times a day, send him a dirty text message. If you are daring, send him a dirty picture to his cell phone. Can’t think of what to say in your dirty text message? Here’s a few suggestions: “I can’t wait to suck your cock” and “God, I keep thinking about when I sucked your cock last night” and “I’m wet thinking about sucking your cock.” I think you see where this is going.

Andee's thoughts: I'm not sure it is necessarily about the "sex with him" or just the simple fact that I am totally into getting some, flirting like mad and cranking up the relationship heat with some very erotic and naughty sexts. In the end, I don't care – if I have his undivided sexual attention, then I know it's going to be a great day. Of course, I do try to be a bit more creative and cryptic!

Come Here Often?
Picking up a girl in a bar and scoring a quickie. When dudes are hanging out, they talk about two things: Sports and “that one time I scored when I met that girl in the bar and she took me to the bathroom/alley/backseat of my car/whatever.” Most of the time the dudes are talking shit – but that doesn’t matter. They talk about it because it’s what they want. So, make it happen. Set up a scenario where you get to a bar early, he shows up and you two act like strangers and you let him pick you up. You’ll get bonus points if you are flirting with another guy when he shows up and then you blow off the other guy in favor of him. Then, after letting him buy you a few drinks and chatting you up, take him into the bathroom, alley or the backseat of his car and give him a blow job.

Andee's thoughts: I actually love this one because it is a very easy and achievable fantasy for couples who want to add just a little spice to their marriage. The biggest leap is having the courage to get to the bar alone and early ... but if you're like me, that is also the biggest danger. I might actually make my guy work to win my attention!

Coming In The Back Door
Anal sex. I know for a lot of us this is a little scary. It already hurt when we lost our first virginity – do we really want to go through that again? Don’t worry that much about it. Many women find anal sex really pleasurable. Anal sex is great because it’s taboo and it’s something other guys brag about. Putting your ass up in the air and letting him ravage it will drive him insane. If he’s never done it before, you’ll have to take some of the preparation into your own hands – by lubing yourself up before you get into bed – but if you let him have it he’ll love you for it and you may find that you get more intense orgasms than you expect from the sexperience. A good idea is to experiment a bit yourself with vibrators and dildos beforehand so you are used to this new type of penetration. The good news about this? This is the one time that he won’t be thinking about getting a blowjob.

Andee's thoughts: It took me a long time to open up the back door. It's still not something that is a primary part of our sex life, but I will say this much: including it as part of the playground during sex (vibrators, fingers, dildos) leads to some incredible sensations for all parties. Not to mention how much it fuels the whole threesome fantasy in my head – the one without Jennifer Aniston, however. She already showed up in the "bring a friend" category.

So there you have it, five real fantasies that occupy a man's mind. And even if they aren't yours, from this Sexy Northern Angel, I'm just thrilled you have them ... and hopefully some will come true for you too!

Andee     xoxo

Overcoming Inhibitions

The other day I was having a quiet conversation with a friend who was looking for a little advice on how to let go of some inhibitions they had. It really wasn’t anything to do with the same kind of inhibitions in my own life, but the thoughts behind it are pretty much the same.

Of course, there are many levels of inhibitions and reasons for them. Some are routed very deeply in our self-esteem, while others are strongly implied by the community and society we live in.

Letting go of our inhibitions becomes more of a challenge as we settle into adult life. If you notice, children have very little fear of trying new things - from music lessons to sports to meeting new children. Most kids just push ahead and experience what life has to bring. They’ll say hello to a new kid in the class, join in a game on the playground, or stand up in a school play and sing. Where they tend to get scared is when those experiences are separated by an adult - hence the “do not talk to strangers” reality kids live in today.

In a nutshell, kids don't really seem to be too fixated on what other people think ... which is where adults fall down. As we get older, our psyche becomes wired to understand that there can be consequences to our actions. That becomes the bigger obstacle in overcoming our inhibitions.

Away from the fears that are necessary for survival, and those that prevent us from playing with electricity, we settle into our lives and for the most part exist within our comfort zones. Our social fears find a home in the back of our minds and we plug along in these notions that behaving this way and that way is "right." The times we venture out from that personal sanctuary become fewer and far between.

But how do we step away from that comfort zone as adults? Inhibitions tend to be the blinders we put on ourselves, and not always defined as “big deals.”

This experience for me - the discovery of my sexual side - has not been without a lot of apprehension and self-doubt. From second guessing, to accepting that others will continually judge me, it has been a crazy and sometimes scary journey.

You guys get to see a side of me that is easily shared on a somewhat anonymous level. What you haven’t seen are the moments I stood, staring at myself in the mirror thinking there was no way I could wear this dress or that skirt. You’ve missed the mornings when I have actually given myself a pep talk when I walked into work dressed up a little more than usual, knowing that I was challenging my own comfort zone.

Because, despite the thoughts and adventures I share with you, I am still very much a shy, reserved, normal “girl-next-door.” We all have our level of vulnerability, but part of life is about how we expose that side of ourselves.

As a woman, one of the biggest pressures placed on me is that of the "good girl vs. bad girl" perception. The societal pressures and guilt often forced on us creates a lot of the inhibitions that we have: poor body image, shame over flirting, failure over not being Hollywood starlet thin ... all messages that serve to prevent many of us from experiencing so much of life.

I guess I'm lucky that I found someone who has worked hard to make sure I have a healthy dose of "bad girl" in my personality.

In the past year or so, there have been a few experiences that have set my husband and I on a different path in our relationship. Scary doesn’t exactly cover the emotions at the best of times … but there seems to be a bigger fear in a lot of people’s lives: regret.

When was the last time you asked yourself what you really wanted out of life - not what someone else said you should have, but that one thing in your dreams that you always thought would come true? Have you let go of those ambitions? Have you let someone else become the one who has to give permission before you act?

If you can't answer those questions honestly to yourself, then that may be where you need to start in overcoming your inhibitions.

It's easy to suggest that we should just pursue what we want in life without hesitation, but life isn’t a dress rehearsal … nor it is a spectator sport; pardon my clichés. Some moments are meant to be grabbed, wrestled to the ground and celebrated in victory.

Whether yours are about a sexual adventure like mine, or beating seemingly insurmountable odds, inhibitions can’t define who we are…make the regret be “I wish I had done that … again.”

Andee     xoxo

New Year = New Goals + Renewed Desires

It seems a little cliche ... and habitual ... for me to start off with saying how I hope to keep things a lot more frequent when it comes to my blog. I have no idea why the end of 2011 was such a wild roller-coaster ride, but it just turned out that way.

As I was snuggled into the corner of my couch this morning in nothing but my bathrobe while the rest of the house slept in, I started looking around for something witty to say about New Years and the traditional resolutions that many of us make. It turns out that less than half of us really make them - and less than half of those who do, keep them. I can't say that I am one for setting out very rigid resolutions, but there are a few things I hope to accomplish this year.

I think one of the more obvious goals I have is that I want to take better care of myself, and improve how I present myself to the world around me. It's human nature, but lots of times we tend to just fall into a routine of what is easy - from skipping the gym to what we wear. I plan to invest a but more into myself, which in turn will make me feel better, and sexier. That alone should open the door to many more steps along this path I am on.

The great thing about the sexual adventure of mine is that there aren't any deadlines; just thoughts and experiences that I hope will turn into realities. If you had of asked me a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to predict the things that have happened already in this naughty expedition. So, as such, I have learned to let that part of life take shape as opportunities present themselves.

So, what are some of those 'sexual resolutions' I am hoping to keep for 2012?

I have some pretty "hardcore" goals for this coming year; things that I really want to see happen. This year marks 10 years for my website - which if you haven't seen yet, you really should ... just sayin'. I am really hoping to do some incredible and sexy new things with it, adding a lot more excitement to the whole experience for you with some improvements, updated information, more ways to interact with me and, naturally, unbelievably hot photos and videos.

In doing some pre-planning for my site, I am also inviting any and all suggestions from you. After all, the entire site is designed for your pleasure ... and maybe a bit of mine too!

And then there's how I share my sexual adventure with you - this blog. I almost hate to commit to saying I will return to more frequent posts, but I do hope to. And I also hope to take you even deeper into my naughty thoughts, desires and wicked sense of exploring my increasingly horniness.

Oh, and have more sex.

Those are the musts for me in 2012, outside of some of the personal, less interesting goals I have set for myself. But don't think you want to read about my financial plans, career objectives and diet.

Now, on the "softcore" side - things that remain in my mind, but don't really have deadlines ... well, a lot more of those seem to occupy a healthy portion of my desires.

But that is what this blog is for ... so I hope you will come along with me in 2012 for an even more intriguing stage in my adventure.

Andee     xoxo

Sex | Planes, Trains or Automobiles?

I hope all my American friends had an awesome Thanksgiving. I was surprised to learn that quite a few of you did not realize that up here in the Great White North that we celebrate the holiday on a different date. Ours is always in October, on a weekend…and normally we get the Monday as a holiday.

Either way, it’s all about family, friends and the opportunity to reflect on the blessings we have in our lives.

So, as I was spending my “Black Friday” working diligently on a new update for my website and answering a few e-mails, I found this one that kind of fit for a little bigger idea in my mind - especially since it was about my blog and many of you may have been travelling this past weekend.

You’ve blogged about all three…but which comes first? Plane, train or automobile?

Before I dish on my thoughts, let me just clarify that, while I find both men extremely funny, neither Steve Martin or the late John Candy really do it for me.

Having said that, you may remember that I have shared my experiences with you about sex in motion. The automobile scenario is something that I have actually experimented with, and so in a way, it counts as which comes first - but at the same time, doesn’t.

Looking at which engine-powered sex experience I would like to complete, I have to admit that the thought of joining the Mile High Club is the most exciting to me. The downside is that I am not a very good air traveller and tend to fight anxiety and motion sickness when I do fly. Having said that, I wonder if the idea of a sexual interlude might distract me from those fears?

How erotic and exciting would it be to fulfill that fantasy of meeting some handsome stranger on the plane, spend a little time chatting in our seats and then finding our way to the bathroom where we could perform some sexual origami?

As I mull over these erotic thoughts, I already have my travel clothes picked out …

Then, as someone who regularly takes a commuter train, I find myself intrigued with finding out if the “Corridor Club” really exists. Fashioned after the famous Mile High Club, rumour has it this select group of people have hooked up in the toilets on the train. The upside to this idea is that most of the cars on the train I take have larger washrooms than those on an airplane, so the comfort level of sex while riding the rails is higher.

As most of the guys who follow my naughty thoughts on Twitter know, I already invest a significant amount of my morning trip drooling over my Cute Guy, and enjoyed some fantasy thoughts this summer over a Sexy Blonde. Do I have the flirtatious talent to convince my fantasy friends to join me? Not sure, but if you look at things from that perspective, I have my options lined up should either care to meet me in the loo!

Which brings me to “auto erotic” encounters…I think that out of the three, this may rank lowest on my list of “set my motor running” experiences because of the simple fact that it is the one that has the greatest chance of happening. I’ve already tested the experience with a few different sex acts: a couple years ago with giving my husband a blowjob while he drove, and most recently a sex toy fun-filled trip home from the Everything To Do With Sex Show in Toronto.

What has not yet been fulfilled is the ultimate experience of intercourse while someone else drives.

Anyone have their chauffeur’s license and a dashboard mounted camera?

Andee     xoxo

365 Days Deeper In My Sexual Adventure

Today is my one-year anniversary. For the past 365 days I have been sharing the naughty thoughts that surround my sexual adventure.

For me it has been both enlightening (as I consciously have connected with the many ideas that swirl around in my imagination) and frustrating (as I realize some of the many ideas will never develop past the idea stage). And, as anyone else who blogs has dealt with: those days when there just isn't much to say.

I began my blog as a way to share some things with my spouse during my daily commutes. I could spend a bit of time dishing on what was occupying some of that real estate in my psyche. At the same time, it was a way to create some connection with you guys, and let's be honest, bring a little awareness and hopefully some new fans to my website.

As I pondered what I would blog about on my anniversary here, I turned to my friends and followers on Twitter for some insight. The one request that stuck in my mind came from the same friend that I blogged about the other day on how to get her in the mood.

This one is for that friend, again...all about role playing.

I blogged quite a while ago about not really being into the idea of role playing as a sex game. But, the more I thought about how to approach this one today, it kind of occurred to me that this is a bit of a role play. I get to slip into my imagination, away from the reality and stress of my day-to-day life, and be nothing but a somewhat sex-craving, erotically-inclined, naughty girl.

The truth is, I invest a great deal of my imagination and fantasy life into my blog. I share the real experiences of my sexual adventure just as much, but I linger on all those subjects that hint at the dark side of me...the naughty side...the part of me that makes you want to be the guy next door.

So, in a way, this is about role playing...me being this condensed sexual dynamo that you get to spend the occasional morning coffee break with.

And then, my secret hobby is a role play too. There's a lot of who I really am in both of these things, but because I am not in a position to openly share, they become little fantasy worlds for you and I.

When it comes to stepping into a role for sex, it's just not something that is a big part of what happens. Away from the camera, I rarely slip into anything 'sexy' just for sex. I think that's probably because I do all of that for my photo sessions that it loses the sex appeal.

For me it doesn't come naturally to pretend to be someone that I am not. I even still have those pangs of awkwardness while doing my website photos - and I've been doing that for 10 years now.

Having said all that, I admit that there are lots of little role-play scenes that go on within my own fantasies as I imagine them playing out in reality...so maybe there is some hope for you guys yet!

Andee     xoxo

Do Sex Fantasies Make You Feel Guilty?

The one thing that my blog has allowed me to do is open up to both myself and my husband about some of the sexual fantasies that swirl around in my head. Like many of you, I have those ones that rank as safe and somewhat standard. Ideas like making love on a secluded beach under a setting sun; a fantasy where you can paint the mental picture without testing your partner’s willingness to share in that fantasy too much.

It’s safe and hints at the romantic that a woman is supposed to be.

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What I have discovered in my life, my sexual psyche and imagination as I have grown older is a whole deeper level of desire, passion and dreams. I’m certain that the connection to all this is how, as we grow older, we become more comfortable with who we are and are able to “find ourselves” more easily.

But that isn’t to suggest it is a complete free-for-all around my house. On the contrary. There is still an awful lot that I am beginning to discover and try to understand.

So when these questions were presented to me recently, it gave me a few good things to think over and really get inside my own head:

Do you ever feel guilty, embarrassed or secretive about your sexual fantasies? 

I believe we all have a little voice in the back of our head that tells us that some things are just not ‘normal’ for whomever we are: married mom, college girl starting out in serious relationships, bi-curious woman, etc. Unfortunately for most of us our upbringing has instilled certain “morals” surrounding sexuality. Our society is more open to violence than we are sex; and as such, we continue to assign judgment to people who explore, experiment and experience.

Coming out with a fantasy is a difficult task in a relationship because it means opening yourself to a level of vulnerability. Hopefully in your relationship, you have a high level of trust and the ability to see that fantasy is just that - a crazy notion that occupies some space within the imagination. Because we have certain thoughts doesn’t mean we are ready to take off like Thelma and Louise. It just means we have a healthy libido and are able to connect our minds to our sexual desires.

I think people are more afraid of their own sexual fantasies because they fear being judged more than they fear the effort it would take to try something.

Now, being nudged off the soap box, goodness, yes there are some sexual fantasies that I do feel guilty about, and some that both shock and embarrass me. My husband knows many of mine, but I sure as heck won’t say he knows all…especially since there are some that I am trying to understand on my own, and what they mean.

And then some of my fantasies are fleeting dreams that only make me go “Wow, that was unexpected!” But we can’t begin to get hung up on how our minds work when we are asleep and dreaming. I simply enjoy the new ideas and will occasionally revisit those thoughts when I am alone and awake…if you know what I mean.

More so, thankfully, I see those as a healthy sign that my mind is always going in new directions.

Keeping secrets, for the most part, is not something that I like to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t…and I’m not naïve enough to think that my husband doesn’t have a few of his own. However, I’m sure just like many of you, there are thoughts that I have that I recognize as being something that would not appeal to him on the same level … sexual thoughts about people and situations that wouldn’t indulge his own imagination. We’ve been together long enough for me to know what gets him going and what will lead to some awkward conversations.

But when push comes to shove, I will let him in on some of those…if even just a very small component just to keep him guessing. Kind of like my recent fantasy about one of my Office Guys and his girlfriend.

How much do other people’s opinions affect your sex life?

The easy answer is “only a little” but the truth is closer to “a lot.”

Let me explain:

As many of you have read, I am someone who is really trying to set out on this sexual adventure, trying new experiences and exploring new levels of my own sexuality. And I am having a lot of fun.

But, the truth of it all is, with the exception of my husband, my sister and one Office Guy, no one knows the real woman behind this. My online persona of Andee is who you get to spend your time with. I have to keep my real identity (like many of you) as hidden as I can because if people knew who I really was, the social and career consequences would be disastrous.

As I mentioned earlier, our society is more accepting of brutal violence than the more healthy act of sex. Each evening on the news we can video after video of people doing the most horrific things to each other, but an act of love and sexual expression is censored.

I could be a convicted felon, serve my time, be freed from jail and then be elected to government without judgment. But if I was to run in an election today, my naughty little hobby would become front page fodder from coast to coast. Hmm…habitual drunk driver or housewife with an adult website, who is more dangerous to society?

Unfortunately, most people think the sexually active housewife is…

So that really determines more of who I share my sex life with.

However, that is about me being open to sharing what goes on with me in a sexual way. When it comes to the actual pursuit of sex, the only other person’s opinion that affects what I do is that of my husband. I may be someone who is out there, trying new things, experiencing the rush of life in a good way, but I would never do something that would be an emotional battle for him. Cheating, secretive dates with other guys, sexual situations without him knowing - none of that. But that's just common respect; something else that seems to be lacking in our society.

My sex life has actually been more enhanced by his opinion than restricted. I have said before, and will say it again, had I not met my husband and married him, I doubt very much that I would have done half of the things I have done so far. He has encouraged me to explore my sexuality in a positive way, been supportive of my bisexual desires, and allowed me to become bolder in who I am as a sexual woman. He has also, in a way, positively prodded me into pushing the envelop every now and then.

And our conversations can be the most incredible mind-fuck...

So, people’s opinions are what keep me in the closet about my sex life, and perhaps limit the opportunities that I create (i.e.: more bisexual moments) but I will still get it in every hole while I am there despite what people say about the hazards of oral, anal and every-which-way sex!

Andee     xoxo

 

My Blog Is My Sex Journal

Someone asked me about finding the courage to open up to my husband about a lot the crazy ideas that go on in my mind. When you do look back at the things that I have written here, and on my Twitter, you begin to see that we do have a somewhat unusual relationship when it comes to be open with sex.

Our relationship didn't exactly begin this way. We were like every other couple next door. We had our ups and downs, good moments and, unfortunately, our bad moments. There was a time, in the first couple years of our relationship, when it even looked like things would end up like the other 51 per cent of marriages...

But we did something more bizarre than a lot of other couples would ever think: we worked at it...and worked at it...and worked at it.

One of the first things we did was sit down with a big bottle of wine and talked...naked.

THINGS I COULDN'T SAY

I still remember the first time my husband asked me if I would consider writing a sex journal. It was one of the ideas we had learned from a book we had read, and as we're both big on the writing and reading, it seemed kind of fun. It was also the idea of sharing ideas that I was still a little nervous about saying face-to-face. At that point I wasn't ready to dish on such fantasies of wild and orgasmic threesomes, exploring with another woman...or even launching a website (although that did come out of these moments). Writing down sexual thoughts would open the door to being able to introduce new adventures into our sex life.

Now, truth be told, it was also a huge struggle as I tried to discover the confidence and ways to express the naughty things that went on in my head, but it was a good start. And like a lot of things, that sex journal didn't really last. I think it's still sitting around somewhere with a lot of empty pages. But that isn't to say I gave up on the naughty thoughts, I just found the confidence to talk about them instead of writing them down.

Jump ahead from those days to one year ago...

My blog has become that sex journal I started. I admit it was kind of strange at first, but then it quickly grew into an obsession. These days it has become such an extension of my imagination that I feel truly guilty when I go a couple days without blogging.

And, so I won't suggest this is the answer...BUT...what I am seeing is how the idea of writing about my sexual adventure has allowed it to evolve. And the conversations that go with the writing and reading...um...you can use your imagination there.

Andee     xoxo

 

Fantasies | Fuel Her Imagination

Hey guys, there had been a bit of talk around here about doing another one of those crazy Sex Confession Wednesdays on Twitter … but equally as crazy is the fact that I don’t have all that much left to confess. But give me a couple more weeks!

One of subjects you have been reading about a lot in my blog over the past couple weeks is my fantasies, all the excitement behind some of those. And I’m sure that there will be a lot more to dish about coming up in the few couple months, but I thought I would spend a bit of time today on something that a friend I chat with online mentioned: creating fantasies.

The topic came up when I was answering a few questions from him about my own imagination. He told me that he was quite envious because his own wife, for whatever reason, stuck to her story about not having any fantasies.

I find that a bit difficult to wrap my brain around, because even if they are the simplest of ideas when you close your eyes - even if it is about your partner - it’s still a fantasy. I have a hard time believing that people can go through adulthood - and marriage - without having any fantasies. What I do think is that some people can be extremely nervous about sharing those thoughts; perhaps out of fear or jealousy.

My husband and I have been very supportive of each other when it has come to fantasies - and discussing them. What a lot of people don’t seem to accept is that fantasies are not signs of a bad relationship. On the contrary, I think they are signs of a very healthy relationship. Cheating and deceit are signs of a bad relationship.

A key to getting it started, or maybe even getting her to open up, is to hold off on all those collegiate daydreams of Swedish bikini volleyball teams or anything that begins with "I have a friend ..." Try something safe, perhaps a touch stereotypical, and that puts her in a slightly dominant (not BDSM kind of dominant) position. If she feels she has a bit of control over the "storyline," she may be more willing to open up.

Where To Begin
So, in order to help promote some naughty thoughts, I have borrowed a little guide from one of my husband’s old Men’s Health magazines (lord, I love magazines with tons of pictures of built, half-naked men!) on how to create a healthy, consensual fantasy.

It’s really easy to create something hot if you put your imagination to good use - and TALK with your partner.

You are (pick one):

• A tall, dark. mysterious stranger
• Handyman/Poolboy/TV Repairman
• The big boss
• Traveling salesman
• Star athlete
• A real estate agent
• A rock star
• Her favourite TV character

She is (pick one):

• School teacher
• The woman in red
• Wealthy socialite
• New secretary
• Bored housewife
• A librarian
• Head cheerleader
• Your favourite TV character

You go to (pick one):

• The office late at night
• The hotel lounge
• The back row of the red-eye flight
• The back yard patio
• The livingroom couch
• The back seat of the car
• The garage
• A secluded clearing in the woods

You bring (pick one):

• A ruler
• A fake mustache
• A cucumber and other intriguing massage tools
• A business suit and a short dress
• Handcuffs
• A trenchcoat
• A blanket
• Mood music

Now, mix and match, use your imagination and that should help get you started, as long as you have a willing play mate. And come to think of it, there's even a few here I might try myself.

And for the ladies, this one is huge...in the past couple weeks I have heard from a ton of guys about the same fantasy. So, after digging into it, and borrowing this tidbit from Redbook...yeah, it's usually trashy advice, but I can attest to the success.

Garter Belt & Stockings
Haven't worn one since your wedding? Then it's time to give him a second viewing. (It'll transform you into a sultry femme fatale from a 1940s movie; perhaps he'll want to role-play the hard-boiled private eye.) On your next date night, slide his palm under your skirt just far enough so that he realizes you aren't wearing your usual hose. A sexy mystery will begin!

Read more: Good Sex Tips for Married Couples - Keep Married Sex Exciting - Redbook

Andee     xoxo

 

Fantasies | When They Become Reality

When you were young, did you have one of those “must haves” in life, where you saw something – a toy, a bike, a video game – and you just had to have it? You would go to bed every night and fall asleep dreaming about it, trying to figure out exactly how you would come to acquire it. And then when you got what you wanted so badly, you were actually disappointed because it didn’t live up to your expectations?

Is three really company ... or just the beginning?

I compare a lot of fantasies to that idea when people ask about mine. Over the past five months I have spent a lot of time putting together my wildest dreams and sexual fantasies into this blog, so I get the chance to revisit them quite often and keep them fresh in my mind. Fantasies in life – be they sexual or magical – are healthy and important to have. They help keep the imagination alive, the libido high, and actually reduce stress by allowing our minds to drift, shut out reality and unclutter.

But I was having a deep chat the other night with an online friend about chasing fantasies and what happens when I actually get to turn one of my own into reality. I had just finished ready this incredibly erotic novel and I don't mind saying, it fueled a desire to chase a few more myself!

Not Always Perfect
When you have a fantasy, especially a sexual one, it plays out perfectly in your mind. The awkwardness and human complications of the moment never really come to the surface. For example, I know a lot of guys fantasize about sexually enjoying two women at the same time. And while those are some pretty hot dreams, what might really play out in the whole scene is someone will get left out. What happens if that blonde you have been dreaming about feels so incredible that you are left unable to complete the same act with her super-sexy brunette friend? Or what if you suddenly find out that your two friends would rather you just sit back and enjoy the show while the get their own fantasies fulfilled?

Hey, these are things that happen in reality!

The guys I know who have shared this idea with me have an answer ready … but I think you know what I am getting at. Does your fantasy have you rocking these two hot babes all night and your reality have you lasting a little less than that? That is what happens when sexual fantasies become realities … someone is bound to finish a little sooner than someone else. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the fantasy, it just means a sexual partner with a good imagination will come prepared for more options.

We have pursued one of my big fantasies a couple different times. And for me, while you might say the fantasy has become reality, truth be told it hasn’t entirely made that full transition. There is still very much of my fantasy attached to the ideas that we dabbled with … and maybe some day will work towards again. Or at least, I hope.

When you reach the point of involving other people physically in your sex life, a lot of the preconceived notions need to be done away with, and the moment enjoyed for what it is. Sometimes achieving a sexual fantasy may mean going back to the bedroom a few times to accomplish all those ideas you had in mind to begin with. And, given the heightened sexual excitement of everyone involved – assuming we’re sticking with the multiple partners fantasy for a moment – may mean a bit more give and take than you dreamed of in the first place.

I guess that is one of the reasons why I started with the analogy of “one heel on the highway.” A sexual adventure takes many steps to reach its peak … and you hope that when you get to that point you see that there are many other paths you can take next.

Fantasies for me tend to be that way. You may get to the point where you can put a notch on the bedpost, but if it’s just one notch it looks more like a dent in the wood than a scorecard for your bedroom gymnastics.

Andee     xoxo

Adventure | Where Do You Begin?

I sure hope you guys enjoyed my first entry in my Sexy Sundays series. As promised, I will be bringing some more sexually oriented content to my blog for the summer months, to help heat things up even more. And as you know, summer is a great time to explore some new sexual territory – and we are closer to naked than any other season as we’re wearing less clothing!

A person I know quite well – and has a bit of knowledge about my ‘secret’ life – asked me how someone even begins in something like my adventure.

The easy answer would be that you have to live life. If you’ve read some of what I have put here in the past five months you would see that the biggest thing is to move past what others might think. In my own case, for those people who I have let in to my inner circle I have gotten a sense more of intrigue and slight jealousy over judgment.

The hard answer is that you have to be willing to accept that it all comes with a somewhat darker side. I’m not sure why society will look at someone who breaks laws such as drinking and driving as just a good person who made a bad decision. But the same people will look at a person like myself that enjoys a more sexually charged lifestyle as “deviant In pursuit of my adventure I can’t share openly; I can’t share my fantasies and website - none of which involve anyone getting hurt – but a couple glasses of wine on the weekend and “shouldn’t have driven home” gets me a knowing look of scorn and we all move on.

When you make the conscious choice to let go of the “standards” I blogged about last week, and move towards a more intimate level of exploration with a willing partner, you need to accept that - especially as a woman - anything you do can and will be held against you in the court of public opinion. You quickly learn that, while every man you know says he would love to see you in a short skirt and high heels, they will quickly turn away if you dare to wear them. You learn your female friends will compliment your bravery and comment how they wish their own husbands would be so interested, but they will spread gossip faster than a California forest fire.

Social & Sexual Inhibitions

We all know about the challenge of overcoming these social inhibitions. It’s no different from when we were teenagers and dealing with peer pressure. That same need to fit in, according to what the group at large determines are the requirements for fitting in, is still very much an important social need for us. We move forward with a lot of our actions, habits, likes and dislikes based on what works in order to be included. Sure we may refine our outlook a bit, and move towards people that already share more common interests – but at work, where we spend the majority of our waking days, diversity is bigger … like high school with a paycheque.

And when it comes to sex … well, it’s just a subject that has been hidden for so long that people in our daily lives just don’t know how to let go of their own repression in order to accept our adventures openly.

You see, some adventures will capture the headlines, while others are best left in the shadows.

The real trick is to find the happy medium … and for that I do not yet have an answer.

First Steps

But how do you – how did I – begin an adventure like this?

Lots of talking is required. Here at my blog and my other social media stuff and website, you may get the impression that my whole life is headed in this sort of Sodom and Gomorrah direction, when in truth these bits and pieces are the very condensed parts of my mind and imagination. I’m pretty sure you have no interest in reading about the rest of my life – like emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, sitting for hours on end verifying formulas and label accuracies.

As our marriage evolved, for whatever lucky reason karma bestowed on us, we chose to be open with our thoughts and dreams. We talked and talked – and watched couples that didn’t talk so much break up.

Then after we talked, we found those fantasies that we shared and wanted to pursue together. No one was forced into trying something that wasn’t for them. We did challenge ourselves a bit, maybe edging each other towards the limits of our comfort zones – and I think that is where most of the adventure now lays ahead. To begin something like this, you take those small – although they may seem huge at the time – steps away from what you are used to. You push yourself out of routine and into something new … and then you build on it from there.

And then you tell yourself how lucky you are to have a soulmate that is also a playmate … and you return the favour for a step or two in their own adventure.

Andee     xoxo