The other day, when I was tweeting some of the nonsense that I find in trashy women’s magazines, one of my online friends sent me note about how they wished their wife would even admit to having one fantasy – never mind going into any graphic details.
My friend was looking for advice on what is the most important thing to keep in mind when sharing a sexual fantasy with your spouse.
I’m not an expert in this, so all I can really do is reflect on what worked for me … and some of the important considerations I believe help make the fantasy a positive. Let’s be honest, some people might be intimidated by the thoughts that swirl around in their partner’s head when it comes to sexual adventures.
The biggest thing is knowing that the lines of communication are open. The worst thing you can do is drop a fantasy on them at a moment when they aren’t expecting it. From a woman’s perspective, if you’re in the middle of some sweaty mattress dancing with me, blurting out that you have dreams about bending the miniskirt-wearing intern over the boardroom table might not be considered “good timing.”
In thinking back on how we’ve gotten to the point in our own relationship, the one thing my husband did an awful lot of was asking questions. And then asking more questions. And he never seemed to respond to my answers with any kind of judgment or commentary, he just asked more questions. Eventually it became a whole world of talking about what turned me on – and doing little things that made me realize he actually listened.
Of course, that wasn’t just based on sexual fantasies. It’s the same approach he has used for so much of what he has brought into our relationship. We constantly talk, we constantly text … we often sext. The doors are open for sharing.
I admit there are still some things I keep pretty close to my chest and he has yet to learn. But all in good time.
The other thing is having a really good idea about how your spouse will react to your fantasy. It’s really important to understand that they may not share that same idea with you. She might not like the miniskirt-wearing intern, and that could lead to some jealousy. Better to test the waters by taking small elements out of your fantasy. For example, I know you want to nail that little hottie while her miniskirt is hiked up and her four-inch stilettos are digging into the carpet … but the underlying thought is sex in the office. Why not begin with asking questions or painting a verbal picture of doing that act with your spouse … let that simmer and then gradually introduce the idea of either “getting caught by the hottie intern” or “what if you’re not there …”
You might even find that she doesn’t want you to have the miniskirt-wearing intern … because she wants you to watch her with the miniskirt-wearing intern.
Like all good stories, fantasies need to be built up.
One of the biggest disappointments I think I feel when I learn from my friends that their husbands have no clue as to their sexual fantasies is because they are afraid of being judged for them.
Maybe this is where I have it good. My husband is constantly asking me about mine … to the point where I think I might have to start making crazy things up just to keep him satisfied. No, truthfully, being able to talk about what turns you on from a fantasy point of view is very liberating and is something I wish more couples would do with each other.
Too many people see sexual fantasies as an indication of their own shortcomings: if I was a better lover, she wouldn’t have this thing for the UPS Delivery Guy. That’s so not true. Fantasies are a healthy part of being alive and being a sexual being. The challenge is to accept that more times than not, they aren’t literal desires, but rather hints of wanting some sort of new adventure.
Now, let’s acknowledge that some fantasies can be true. When I began to share with my husband about my desires for a little sexual adventure and more physical flirting with my Office Guy, I really meant with one specific man. My husband had long known that I fantasized about experiencing something with another man – always with him present – but it just evolved into a reality with this one.
However, it wasn’t just about me blurting out randomly. My hubby has spent a long time getting to know who I am, my deepest desires and wildest dreams. It’s been an investment and a world of encouragement. And he has had to learn to let go of some jealousies along the way. Most importantly, we have learned – together – that we want as much from life as we can get.
Are some things worth the hang-ups? I’m afraid you have to answer that yourself.