This is one area that in the nine years I have been doing my website that I have pretty much stayed away from. I suppose you could argue that the whole idea behind my little online secret is one big role play, but I’ve never considered it to be.
|Day 13 - An Easier Role To Play|
I’ve never considered myself an actress. And once my site really got rolling along, I even stopped thinking of it as ‘modelling.’ For me it just morphed into a kinky little sexual adventure, with a bit of financial reward, that fed my self-esteem as I got older and started to wonder about myself. I don’t think I’m an exceptionally vain person, although the more I blog the more I see that the idea is pretty self-absorbed.
Am I actually role playing with what I am doing online? It’s like I said in an earlier post, we do create this visual fantasy with the photo sessions; be it a schoolgirl, French maid or something else. But in my mind, while it is role playing, it is not in full context … they are just pictures.
I struggle a bit with the videos. As much fun as they are to make, they are equally as awkward. I tend to be very self-conscious and I get caught up in how silly I must look. Difficult because to keep my exploits going forward, video is more and more the way things are.
Most of what you guys see is not really who I am … it’s part of the person I am in my mind and in my pursuit of experience. But I do think of myself as someone who, in real face-to-face life, lacks the same kind of confidence that the “Andee” side of me reveals online. I do have my moments - and while you guys think all those sexual conquests of me exploring with my friend are what I am about - I don’t often reveal the sheer terror that goes with them. Yes, I loved the experience a few weekends ago with our friends, and the incredible sensations it brought - but while things were heating up and boiling over, I was almost petrified to the point of throwing up.
For me to be the kind of person who can pull off role playing, I would need to overcome being so self-conscious and my sense of thinking how ridiculous I must come across as. To play a role in a stage play is one thing, but to get on chat or webcam and role play in a sexual sense is something I just don’t think I could do in a serious sense.