Without question, sexual fantasy plays a big role in my life. Over the past couple years, I have used this blog as a way to express and share them on a much more open level. Sometimes they just appear and my husband reads them just as you guys do, other times they have been discussed at great length, shared as way to heat up the action in the bedroom, and placed in a priority position on my sexual bucket list.
At the same time, I also know that there are many people who just don’t have the same opportunity or courage to make them part of the conversation with their own partners. I don't have an answer as to why I got lucky like I did, but I know it always makes me a little concerned when I get a question like this:
How do I share my sexual fantasies with my wife?
This can be a very precarious situation. Not everyone is ready to hear about how much you want to nail that girl from accounting in the supply closet, or you want to frolic in the pool house at the family barbecue with her sister.
My own advice starts with getting to understand her perspectives on sexual fantasies. Does she have any that she is open to sharing with you – even if they are far-fetched or simplistic? I tend to have fantasies that kind of fit into both. I have no problem describing exactly how I want a number of threesome/foursome/moresome fantasies to play out, but at the same time count being photographed in a romantic embrace with my husband in front of the Eiffel Tower as a fantasy. The point being, if it’s something she desires but just hasn’t happened yet – that can be a fantasy.
Understanding what motivates her libido and eases her imagination into overdrive is really important when you want to have a conversation about what goes on between your own ears. Can you say that she has the confidence in knowing that you wouldn’t react with jealousy if she dished on what fuels her libido when her mind wanders?
It's also important that both sides of the conversation completely understand that a fantasy is simply that - a little brain candy with no direct impact on the affection you feel for your partner. Just because you have those thoughts doesn't mean you want to act on them.
"Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other's objectives. Are you doing it simply to learn about what each other's private sexual thoughts are, or are you creating a menu of the type of sexual activities you want to try?" says Wendy Maltz, MSW, sex therapist and co-author of the book Private Thoughts: The Power of Women's Fantasies. "How the information in the fantasy is shared is critical to whether or not it ends up being productive for the couple."
From my not-a-sex-expert point of view, the first thing is to open the doors to the sharing. A romantic dinner, a long walk or even one of those Sunday country drives may provide a non-threatening atmosphere in which to start the conversation. Sometimes trying to pry open the sexual fantasy barn door while in the bedroom can imply that there are conditions attached to the sharing; as in, are you trying to turn your partner on with this talk?
Communication is always the key ...
"Don't expect your partner to figure out what turns you on. Tell your partner. That's all part of the fantasy," says Cheryl McClary, PhD, JD, professor of women's health at the University of North Carolina-Asheville.. "Ask yourself, 'What's going to make us start giggling again? What used to be sexy and fun? Life's too short to wait for your partner to figure it out."