Relationships | Having An Out In Swinging

On the weekend I was having a bit an abbreviated online chat with a guy who has been a fairly regular follower of mine on Twitter and here. We were discussing the idea of “swinging” and my personal experiences with the lifestyle.

For the record, I’m probably not the best resource for an in-depth expose on the matter; just someone who has floundered here and there with trying to discover if it is something that appeals to me. I think I have made it relatively clear that “swinging” has been one of those not-so-satisfying adventures for me. And it’s not even the idea – because my desire is there, without a doubt. But for some reason, experimenting with other couples has just never worked out for my husband and I.

Regardless … my friend’s one question was what advice would I offer to couples who were just getting into the experience?

I thought about this for a while, because I don’t want to be negative. My own challenges are not necessarily what other people may experience, and as I mentioned, we still have a very curious desire to explore should the right opportunity arise. I’m not one to make any judgment on the lifestyle – just sigh about how our efforts seem to get derailed.

Plus, there is so much that could be said about exploring with the idea of introducing new people into your relationship. You need to consider on what level, and just what, you are comfortable with.

And so, assuming you have done all the talking, fantasizing, talking and talking with each other as a couple – and have reached the mutual decision that “swinging” may be worth exploring together – the best advice I would give is to make sure you have an “out.” An “out” is a safe word or phrase that could be used by either one of you to put the brakes on a situation that you don’t feel comfortable in.

For example, ours was “Let’s go for ice cream.” A simple expression that we understood meant we needed to cool things down.

This allows you some comfort in knowing that you have control over what you feel is OK as things progress. As much as some people want to mislead you into thinking otherwise, the truth is, you won’t know for sure what you are willing and capable of doing until you are in the moment. You might think you’re alright with the idea of some guy treating your wife like an amusement park on the hotel bed, but emotions can be funny things.

The same for men. It’s not easy for a man to be completely “into the moment” while another man is right there beside him also trying to be completely “into the moment.” I know men, despite their brashest bravado, can struggle with an erection when there is another penis in the room. Some guys have that subconscious homophobia to deal with.

And what if that other guy doesn’t share your inopportune flaccidity? What if he’s rocking some serious steel, your wife is drooling over the prospect of riding a new cowboy and you’re still trying to coax out any reaction you can from south of the border. Now suddenly he has two female playmates that might be more intrigued by the idea of a feminine tag-team and you’re left walking down the hall to get some more ice for their post-coitus beverages. Or vice versa …

Women are definitely at an advantage in this, as our bodies aren’t as quick to reveal our apprehension and nervousness. But that is not to say we don’t feel the same way. Conversely, imagine how we might feel if you are the one sporting the bull mastiff as soon as she doffs her bra? We have our own insecurities too.

There is a lot that can be positive about exploring new aspects of sex and relationships, provided everyone involved shares an understanding. Whether it is a desire to bring new people into the bedroom, or as simply as introducing a sex toy to the Tuesday night routine, sex is meant to be a pleasurable experience for all.

Communication and respect for each other’s desires and insecurities will go a long way to turning those fantasies in wonderful adventures.

Andee     xoxo

TMI Tuesday | Sex Detective

Sometimes people can be a bit sneaky under the guise of curiosity. In a way, I'm not much different - but I would hope that pretty much anything could be an open discussion and there wasn't a need to hide.

However, now that I am a parent to a couple of teenage boys, I'm thinking there's probably some investigative techniques in my near future ... and not just on TMI Tuesday!

1) Did you ever find someone else’s stash of sex toys, lubes, etc.?
Other than finding my teenage brother's stash of Playboy magazines in the barn when I was about 12, no. He wasn't a very creative person when it came hiding places, choosing to stick them in an old case that was up on the loft about my father's work bench.

2) Did you ever search someone else’s computer to determine their porn habits? Were you ever the object of such a search?
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't poked around on my husband's computer to see what was going on, but I'm not exceptionally technologically savvy.

3) Did you ever investigate to see if two people were getting it on?
When I was a teenager, my parents adopted two of my teenage cousins and they moved in with us. The older cousin was a bit of a floozy and always had the lights off downstairs when her boyfriend would visit. I would sneak to the top of the stairs and wait for a few minutes before trying to bust them. I actually never did catch them doing anything other than making out - which is probably better for me and not being grossed out. The people you would love to catch or watch are never the ones you do.

4) Did you ever look for naughty pictures on someone else’s phone?
Not unless you count my husband ... and they were of me ...

5) Were you ever involved with an investigation (formal or informal) into whether someone was cheating on his/her lover?
No, although I've been on the receiving end of someone who thought it would be amusing to try to cause some shit in my own marriage. They took it upon themselves to send my husband some emails accusing me of some inappropriate behaviour with a friend. Of course, they had no clue as to what my private life is really like.

Bonus: Do you have a secret online identity so that you can find a secret lover?
Good lord, no. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the 'secret life' I already have going with me as 'Andee' let alone a dating persona.

Andee     xoxo

Relationships | The Other Side of the Stats

I’m curious. I’ve been reading a few of those horrible trashy women’s magazines lately and there’s a lot of information I’ve discovered – which I love to share on Twitter – but, at the same time, makes me realize that the debate is very one-sided.

The other day, for example, I read an older article about how almost 92 per cent of women considered a man sharing a photo of his junk in a text message with another woman outside of his relationship constituted “cheating.”

And another statistic said that 98 per cent of women felt that if a man had old-fashioned phone sex with another woman it was cheating.

OK, as a woman, I can kind of see that.

But I have to wonder what men think. Not so much what they might be thinking if they are the ones sending the photo or making the phone call, but what do they think if it was their wife or girlfriend behaving like that? Would the same percentage of men agree?

It’s an interesting situation for me on a personal level as well. In the past I have shared rather suggestive photos with men I didn’t know – until I figured it was a lot easier to tell them just to visit my website for that kind of fun. And I have also had phone sex with a man that was not my husband … while I was married; but that was also in the early days of my sexual adventure and there was a lot yet to be discovered along the way.

With where my sexual psyche is at within my marriage these days – and the fact that my husband and I have evolved in both our relationship trust and perspective over the past 23 years – I’m not certain that I’m a good candidate to expand on how someone might react. Frankly, if it was my husband that was getting into all of that with another woman, I would want to be right there holding his hand along the way!

I wonder; have women become that brave? We hear about men initiating and participating in this kind of behavior all the time; but they need someone at the other end to play along. And when they get caught, it’s usually the woman who is blowing the whistle on them. Do men find themselves on the other side of the idea very often? And if so, who are these women they're getting involved with?

Very curious, indeed.

Andee     xoxo

 

TMI Tuesday | 'Tis The Season

Is everybody getting ready for another great festive season? I love this time of year, even if things do get a little crazy. For today's TMI Tuesday, we start getting into the Christmas spirit ... and while you are reading, I'm probably getting into the Christmas "spirits!"

During the December holiday season, do you:
   a) Go away to join other family?
   b) Have holiday fun with immediate family?
   c) Get to be alone with a lover?
   d) Enjoy the peace and quiet and downtime of being with yourself?
While it’s not as bad as it used to be, Christmas for me is a whirlwind of activity – and spending time with my own family, and then with my immediate family. My husband kind of views his family as a “if it fits my mood and schedule” Christmas, which often means we don’t see too many people from his side.

What is your favourite holiday tradition or thing you like to do every holiday season?
For me, it’s decorating my Christmas tree. It’s not something that is shared with the same level of sentimentality in our house, but I just love taking my time and reflecting on what each of the ornaments mean to me.

You are walking down the street and a sexy person is standing with a sign that says “Kiss Me” and mistletoe hanging above their head.
   a) Would you kiss the person? Yes or no?
   b) Why, or why not?
Sadly, a cop-out answer here: it all depends. It would depend on my mood, on the circumstances and the level of sexiness that the sign-holder is giving off. Being married also means that my level of smoochable freedom is somewhat restricted to my husband and the occasional clandestine pucker with a certain Office Guy.

Santa made up his list and he has checked it twice. Turns out you are on the “naughty” list. What is the naughty thing you did that put you on that list.
That all depends on how much room Santa has on that list to outline the naughtiness that has been my 2012! But cutting to the chase, probably the naughtiest thing I did in 2012 that I am willing to confess to is the time I managed to convince my married Office Guy to join me for some seriously sexy fun back in March. Without a doubt, there are many who would consider that to be an exceptionally naughty thing for me to do – but I stand by my defence: I had permission to fool around that time.

As for the rest of it; surely Santa knows that sometimes it is better to keep some of those secrets and share the occasional little white lie in order to protect the innocent … right?

If Santa knows more than that, he at least better have been holding the video camera!

For being naughty you have been locked in a room where you will have to watch 24 hours of a holiday movie. Which movie would you choose?
   a) A Christmas Story
   b) It’s A Wonderful Life
   c) White Christmas
   d) A Christmas Carol (original 1938 version or the 1992 Muppet version)
Easy answer for me: A Muppet Christmas Carol. It has become one of my favourites of the holiday season. Although, if you were going to look at this as punishment, It’s A Wonderful Life would be the worst possible thing I could have to endure for 24 hours. I don’t get the appeal of that movie as a “Christmas classic” and it would definitely not put me in the holiday spirit.

BONUS: The holidays can be a hectic time of year, so much so that romance might take a back seat to festivities and such. Give us your sexy tip for keeping away the “chill” and “heating up” the holiday season.
A few years ago, my husband and I started a little Christmas Eve tradition affectionately known as the Naughty Stocking. It’s a cheesy animal-print Christmas stocking that my husband would fill with certain items meant for those “couple moments” and “adult fun” as a small reminder that, despite being parents, we were also a couple.

This was how I got a lot of my naughty lingerie and sex toys for Christmas … because opening a package from Victoria’s Secret in front of my children usually results in a raucous meltdown of prepubescent boys being grossed out by the sight of a woman's naughty knickers.

Andee     xoxo

Dancing Towards a New Career?

Some time ago, I wrote about how the laws had changed where I live regarding work visas for exotic dancers. The government clamped down on granting such visas to foreign women who come to Canada to earn a living as a stripper. The strip club owners, in turn, made a big splash about how this would limit the number of available dancers for their stages, and how they would now be forced to recruit young college-age women to fill the need.

On and off, the conversation around this has continued among some of my coworkers – surfacing recently when one went off on a rant about how her husband joined his friends for a few drinks at one. That rant is best saved for another day, but regardless, I always enjoy when these topics begin swirling around because I can occasionally shock the shit out of people by chiming in with an opinion they surely didn’t expect.

Well, you have to amuse yourself somehow …

All of this reminded me of an article I read a couple years ago about how in this economic struggle we are in, some women are turning to exotic dancing and adult entertainment as a way to make ends meet. The lure of a potential annual income of $100,000 to $300,000 annually in some of the premier men’s clubs – even in tough times – appears to be too much to resist.

I think I also shared way back then about how, given the right opportunity, blend of alcohol and distance from my home, I might be encouraged to get up for an amateur night. Now, far from being judgmental about it, I did find it interesting to read because it is something that tells what I see as a bigger reality out there. If you consider that this current recession is the first one to occur at a time when women are truly independent. Even some 20 years ago – when I was but a wee girl – the mentality wasn’t nearly as accepting. Not that I would suggest it has changed dramatically, because I am certain that many of these ladies are still facing the scorn of a drunken crowd … and a few angry wives.

But it is intriguing because, at a moment in time when the idea of “amateur” holds a particular appeal, here are housewives, bank tellers and former corporate types, doffing their panties on stage and shaking what Momma gave them.

The article said clubs, adult magazines and porn producers are seeing an influx of applications from women who have college educations and were previously well employed. Some have even used their past as part of their onstage personas to underscore the changes … and appeal to that certain fetish about seeing the boss in her business suit strip down.

I know it works for me when I get all dressed up in professional attire and reveal teasing glimpses of naughtiness under my hemline. And I love how my Office Guys react when I put on my best suit for work.

I suppose for some, the idea may seem somewhat desperate. But given that all of us – men and women – get naked at least once a day for free, is it so bad to try to make the best of the moment and benefit financially? I’m not sure I have an answer, but I can see the appeal … just from my own experience I have noticed that more and more of the guys I have talked to like the idea of “amateur” over “professional.” There’s just something more erotic about seeing the “real girl next door” naked than the one’s airbrushed and pretending they could live on your street.

Andee     xoxo

Hall Pass | Not In The Traditional Sense

Like a lot of people, I have certain ... um ... desires about expanding my list of sexual conquests. It's a healthy fascination, because the human brain needs to be stimulated, as does the female imagination. At the same time, that doesn't necessarily mean that I am continually on the prowl to fulfill that desire. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, every now and then I receive an intriguing question from someone that allows me to explore some of those imagination-stimulating ideas and share them with you.

Do you have a ‘hall pass?’

Kinda sorta ... depends a lot on your real definition of a "hall pass," and even then with conditions attached. In my case, it’s just a complicated sort of predicament.

Of course, this idea moved to the forefront of our culture after a really bad movie a couple years back, in which a group of married men were given a “hall pass” by their wives. I won’t go too deeply into the storyline ... I think the fact it bombed at the cinemas pretty much tells the tale best. A silly premise based on an expression in use since the 1960s.

But, in urban terminology (hey, I looked it up, OK) a “hall pass” is time off from being in a marriage. It’s one spouse granting permission to the other to go about the length of the “hall pass” as if they were single. It's the foundation of "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" mentality, except with a hint of permission. So in that sense, I don’t have one, nor do I want one. I love my husband, I love being married and I love sharing the adventure with him. So to deny him the opportunity to share in that would be beyond me.

Now, all that said, there is a sort of intriguing agreement in place within our relationship: while we don’t consider ourselves “swingers” by any traditional definition, there are a couple open doors should the right opportunity surface for us to introduce another person into our sex life. And, if you have followed along for a while, you know that this has been a big part of my adventure.

Andee     xoxo

Sex | True ... or Urban Legend

Every so often, when the mood strikes and the planets seem to be aligned, the conversation at work turns to something intriguing. This time, instead of regaling each other with stories about our wild and crazy weekends (mine almost always involves kids’ sports in the summer time ... and the winter time), things turned to sex stories.

Someone had mentioned the old “I heard ...” and proceeded to tell everyone sitting there about how the had learned that a certain couple they knew (not us) were involved in “the lifestyle.” This, for those of you who prefer the old goldfish bowl description, is best known as being swingers.

And, it’s often in those discussions that I find my tongue hurts from biting it, or I have to give a friendly boot to those in my life who know just a bit too much about what my weekends are occasionally like.

Regardless, without rehashing the story of what has gone on in my own personal life over the past few months, truth be told, there aren’t very many wild and crazy sex tales for me to share. Even the few occasions when my husband and I tested the waters of swinging, it wasn’t anything like the stereotypes you might associate with it; no orange shag carpets, bean bag chairs, satin jumpsuits and guys with big cheesy moustaches. Just two overly excited married couples, a bit too much to drink, and our imaginations.

But the question in question was: “What is the wildest, most unbelievable sex story you have ever heard?”

I don’t know ... this is kind of where I always feel a bit naive and sheltered. Where I grew up, sex usually earned you a reputation. Then in college, it was a bit more experimentation; and though I shared a house with three guys, they knew well enough not to dish out too much of the sexual BS. None of them were exactly Casanovas.

Despite knowing these days that it was just our own small town version of the story, there was one of those urban legends going around back when I was in high school about a girl who tried the old "frozen hot dog" as a sex toy. As I am sure many of you have heard, the story goes about a girl who uses a ballpark frank to sexually pleasure herself, only to discover the hot dog breaks and has to go to ER to have it removed from her vagina.

At my school, the story began after one of those crazy bush parties that happened pretty much once a year. I remember the girl they said it was, and I still wonder if she ever knew, if she cared or if it left her with some sort of emotional pain.

The other story that I found kind of wild and unbelievable was one that was going around about one of the girl’s in my grade. It apparently happened after senior prom at one of the after parties. The girl, who had been drinking (these always revolve around too much alcohol), followed her friend and the friend’s boyfriend into one of the bedrooms at the house where the party was taking place. She then, rumour has it, successfully seduced the other girl and put on a display of lesbian sex not seen outside of movies about the Swedish Bikini Volleyball Team.

I think I am way more intrigued by this tale than the one about the hot dog, mostly because of my own bisexuality and how I would love to have the opportunity to ask the girl if that really did happen.

The thing about sex stories, I believe, is that few of us would tell the whole truth about our own experiences to people who are a regular part of our lives. In my own experience, I’m sure that quite a few people who be speechless to learn of the things I have done, even though none of them would prove to be the genesis of a trilogy of trashy erotic novels about bdsm, billionaires and red rooms. Despite the adventure I am having right now, there is little in my own sexual history that starts with “So, I met this football team after I won a wet t-shirt contest during Spring Break in Daytona ...”

But, who knows ... maybe someone out there is talking about this somewhat shy and quirky Canadian woman they know who has her own raunchy website and porn videos.

Andee     xoxo

Healthy Investigation ... or Snooping

I have never really been one who got into the whole celebrichef trend. As someone who thinks the kitchen is just a practical room, the appeal of most food shows and the larger than life personalities these people force themselves to put on just isn't for me. I mean, when I see the commercials for certain popular chefs, and you see their ranting, raving and swearing at their staff, it just reminds me of all the bullying idiots I've had to endure in my own career. Not cool.

But the other day, I found something about British chef Jamie Oliver that touched off a bit of a firestorm ... it was a story about how his wife of 12-years routinely checks his e-mails, cell phone and Twitter account for signs of infidelity. And then, in the interview with the press, she claims that while he believes her to be a "jealous girl" she sees herself as a "laid-back" individual.

Seriously?

Now, I don't know Jamie Oliver. I probably could distinguish between him and the other British chef, because I think Oliver uses a lot less profanity when talking to his employees ... I think. But I do know that whether you are a world-renowned sandwich artist or a somewhat anonymous broom pilot, having your private communications subject to investigation is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Yesterday, while my hubby and I were having our morning coffee together, we got on the subject of trust. And in our relationship, without question, there is an awful lot of trust. That is what makes it strong and our connection deeper than some of the relationships we see around us. At the same time, as my husband explained, we also tend to push our trust to the limits that not an awful lot of people would dare. That's not to say we cross the line, but recognizing that in our current sexual adventure, things are happening on a somewhat regular basis that require a whole serving of honesty.

My husband explained that in relation to my current relationship status with a certain Office Guy, all he could rely on for those hours that I am at work and in close proximity to one of my objects of desire is trust. I continually reassured him that, given our outlook on what we want from this adventure, there was little need to worry.

But I'm not naive enough to think that his concerns and fears are not legitimate, no matter what I say in response.

The marvels of all that rest in the simple fact that our trust grows when we have these conversations - because through them we are actually being open with each other and communicating. Couples are supposed to talk to each other and work on building something stronger, not just settle into a routine of quiet doubt. For us, healthy investigation into what is going on when we are apart comes from these couch talks over coffee because rarely does anything positive come from secret surveillance.

Someone in the Jamie Oliver article said that assuming your spouse is cheating is one way to guarantee that they will. I couldn't disagree more; assuming your spouse is cheating and investing all that energy chasing shadows takes away the opportunity for intimacy with your spouse - and robs you of those precious moments when difficult questions can be discussed like adults.

Andee     xoxo

Random Thoughts For My Southern Friends

While I'm slaving away at work today, I know my friends south or the border will be enjoying their annual celebration of Independence. Although I shouldn't complain, we had our national holiday on Monday and I'm off on Friday.

For almost two years, you have followed my antics, fantasies, and adventures. You've been with me as I  opened the door wider on my bisexuality, and when I opened the door to an experience with a man other than my husband. I have tried to invite you into my world and share as much as possible, and have loved the connection I have made with everyone who has reached out, commented and jumped on the Andee bandwagon.

I'm very fortunate that I have had the support of my husband in everything that has come about from this. To know I have the opportunity to explore and experience a wealth of sexual desires, and test the limits of what most couples would consider beyond the boundaries, has been an incredible gift. It has also been a huge boost to my self-esteem and opened my mind and imagination to a wonderful world of sexual enlightenment.

So as I reflected on this, I started to think of some of the things that "independence" means to me. I know some of you will be celebrating in a political sense, but I'm offering a four thoughts from a personal and intimate sense for your Fourth of July. I hope you enjoy it.

• Being a woman. Not just being a member of the female gender, but being a woman, free to express my own thoughts, sexuality and sensuality. There are women around the world that are captives of repressive ideologies and closed-minded cultural beliefs. I'm free to think for myself, express myself and stand for what I believe in.
• Being a partner. I love being a wife to my husband because it is never a "stereotype." I'm married to my best friend, my equal and my soul mate. He puts me on a pedestal far too often, spoils me incessantly and treats me with respect and dignity.
• Being a sexual being. The freedom to continue producing my website and exploring a wide world of sexual thrills, desires and kinks. I love that I can share my deepest, naughtiest fantasies without being judged - and often being encouraged to actually pursue them.
• Being a flirt. A little in line with what is above, except flirting doesn't have to be anything sexual. In fact, the best flirting leaves more to the imagination than anything else.

I know there is so much more to being independent, but as much as it can be about what our political beliefs include in the West, it can also be extremely personal. I hope all my friends, American or not, can enjoy a little independence in their lives.

Andee     xoxo

Thoughts On A Sexy Sunday Morning

Before I get too deep into this, I need to openly confess that this is a question that I borrowed from my blogging friends Jack and Jill at Frisky in the 916. You should check out their blog for a very intriguing blend of sex blogging and erotica.

This past Friday, they had answered a question on "Have you ever wanted to try something sexually but haven't? What is it and why?"

I found the question rather appealing, because for me it touches on: a) my favourite subject and, b) isn't necessarily about traditional fantasy, but alludes to a moment or opportunity that was there at one time and passed.

For me the answer is a bit of a Part One and Part Two response. There are two equally lust-worthy thoughts that come to mind when thinking of this.

In my experience, I have had come very close to fulfilling my desire to have a threesome a few different times. When my husband and I first dabbled with the idea of swinging, we met a couple that became good friends and shared our willingness to explore and experiment. The wife in the couple was the subject of my Friday blog.

And while we played around with this couple, we had all agreed that taking the fun to a full-swing situation was not where we were at emotionally at the time. We still had a lot of curious thoughts we needed to work through without pushing the limits too quickly. Fun is fun, but not at the expense of regret and damage to a marriage just because the alcohol-induced courage is a little higher when sexually stimulated.

Along those lines of achieving my desire for a MFM also sits the more recent Hotel Rendezvous with my Office Guy. The stage was definitely set for some incredible sexual adventure, but again the moment needed to develop in a nature way. My husband and I had agreed that, in the heat of the moment should my experience with my Office Guy reach the point of no return and having him give me a good, hard fuck, I would be allowed to enjoy it all - as long as I followed the appropriate rules of safe sex. In hindsight, I'm not sure how capable I would have been at rolling a condom onto his hard cock ... but everything played out in such a way that the oral sex we shared proved to be the pinnacle of the experience ... and hopefully opened the door for more exploring down the road.

The second part that comes to mind in this question goes back to the time when I was so close to answering my bisexual curiosities, but couldn't because my lustful partner and I had indulged just a lot too much that night. If you are a long time reader of mine, you will remember the blog about the weekend I spent at a work-related conference with a female coworker. At that time in my life I was just beginning to explore my sexuality in a bigger way. My husband had encouraged me to be more open about my desires, my fantasies, my sexuality and I was definitely enjoying where the path was leading me.

The details of the whole experience can be found in this entry - Bisexuality | When It All Came Out. But to finish my thoughts here, the moment I would love to have back is the chance to complete that flirtatious and tormenting evening with what I really wanted to do: fulfill the opportunity for a passionate night with her; no husbands, just her and I alone naked and not as drunk as we were on the night when it could have all come together.

Andee     xoxo

It’s Not How You Hide It ...

My mind hasn’t really been focused on a lot of the fun stuff the past few days … far too much dust being shaken out of the deep, dark corners of it and I haven’t felt much inspiration to sequester myself into the corner of the couch with a cold vodka cooler and dish on interesting things like sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.

So, while I was trying to think about what I need to be writing about this week, I happened to catch the headline for an online feature about discovering if you are just chatting or cheating. I thought mostly you would already know whether or not you are cheating, and jumped into the article with a healthy dose of sober cynicism.

As I read the piece, I delightfully found that it wasn’t just a rehash of the usual trashy women’s magazine tidbits on “signs you may be cheating.” Close, but fortunately there were a few intriguing perspectives on the psychology of what may be considered unfaithful response behavior to what you may not even see as “cheating.”

Without a doubt, all the gadgets and toys we have at our fingertips make communicating much easier – and there’s no question that for some of us, they remove the barriers of shyness and social awkwardness. Texting and email provide the opportunity to share, suggest and say things that would normally make us blush in a face-to-face moment.

But at the same time, all these things open a Pandora’s box of hidden temptation and escapism from what may seemingly feel like a “routine” relationship in our offline lives. As such, the biggest and most obvious factor is not so much about what you are doing – but how you hide it from your partner, and why you may not let them in on what is going on.

Secrecy

“Experts agree that secrecy is the number one sign that your chatting may amount to cheating. If you close computer windows when your lover walks in, delete your browsing history or erase messages and emails, you may want to consider whether or not you're being honest with your partner (and yourself) about your online relationships.

“But some degree of privacy is natural, so how do you know if your secrecy is a sign of infidelity?

“According to infidelity expert Katherine Hertlein, it's really about how your partner would react if they knew what you were up to. ‘If your private chat was revealed and your partner would feel hurt by both the content of it and the fact that you purposely concealed it, you're probably bordering on unhealthy secrecy.’

“Dr. Sheri Myers, author of Chatting or Cheating, agrees. ‘Being secretive is a sign that you're having an affair. Flirtation can be fun and it's harmless if it's out in the open. The dangerous part is when it crosses the line into secrecy. Flirtatious text messages, self-revealing chats, and intimate confessions can fuel a unique cocktail of brain chemistry that can turn a platonic friendship into an addictive, all-consuming affair of the heart.’

“If you find yourself being secretive about an online friendship, it may be time to take a step back and ask yourself what toll this friendship is taking on your primary relationship.”

Is there a clear solution to finding a balance between the excitement beyond the traditional boundaries of marriage and blowing it all up for the sake of answering the eternal “what if” question? Not really.

Where we can gain a lot of ground towards the open door is through constant communication with our partner.

I’m no expert, but a lot of this does ring true in my own life. I have a great deal of freedom to explore and flirt, however I also understand that it can be a very precarious balancing act. It can be very easy to get caught up in the excitement and forget yourself in the moment. Then, when the dust settles you begin to see that perhaps there were some things that should have been shared/discussed/thought-out. What may have been to one person an insignificant exchange of texts or emails, may be seen as something deeper by the partner left out of the moment.

Which brings us to the emotional aspect of it all …

Emotional Get-off

“Research suggests that the mere thought of receiving an email or text message can create a natural high for regular text and email users, as our dopamine levels spike. It follows that the thought of receiving a potential flirtatious message would also create an instant high and the desire to seek more gratification. Recognizing the difference between excitement for the unknown and the desire for emotional and intimate fulfillment is essential.

“’Though your sexy chats may produce a sense of relief and pleasure,’ Dr. Sheri warns that you may be idealizing your online relationship on account of chemical changes in the brain. ‘Biochemical research has shown that the effect of these love chemicals is twofold: they are released in response to your friend, and they bond you to him or her.’”

I have dabbled a great deal online – especially in the last 10 years as I began to explore more about my sexual interests and as my website grew into what it is today. Along the way I have chatted with many great guys, a few women and a few … well, let’s just call them “intriguing individuals.” Naturally, a number of those conversations and emails have been of a sexual nature and the door has always been open for my partner to ask – even participate – in them.

I admit it was fun and exciting in the beginning stages, but as we discover with certain things in life, routine can settle in and the thrill diminishes. These days my online chatting has been limited to a few very good friends – and, of course, the fun nonsense that has emerged from Twitter and my blog.

But I believe a lot of that can be carefully managed by being open with your partner – and including them in the excitement that it creates. Because it is very true, that when things get hot, heavy and sexually-charged, we all tend to become more inwardly-focused and possessive of our own satisfaction. And that can lead to the secrecy of it all, which will quickly bring about the polar opposites of emotion: hurt and betrayal.

Andee     xoxo

Relationships | More Trashy Advice

At break yesterday I was reading one of those trashy women's magazines that seem to make their way to the staff lunch room when their purpose has expired. It’s usually in these dog-eared rags that I find all those quirky and crazy little stats that I throw up on my Twitter page in an effort to amuse and astound.

In this edition, there was an advice column from one of those so-called "relationship experts." A reader sends in a typical relationship-type question, and the “expert of the month” provides insight and advice … usually the kind of stuff our girlfriends used to dish out in the high school washroom. Often it makes for some good banter among my table mates, as we giggle about the subject and our take on it.

In this column, the writer was asking what it meant by her husband continually looking at other women. The reason this rings so true with me is because it's a topic my husband and I continually discuss. Having said that, I also recognize we are the kind of couple that would drive a "relationship expert" like these ones over the brink. Pretty much every rule these so-called professionals expect couples to follow we have thrown out, twisted, bent and manipulated for our own devious pleasure. Our happiness and togetherness is not influenced by some all-encompassing moral standards that “relationship experts” in trashy women's magazines recommend.

To her credit though, this expert pointed out that we are humans with an instinctive curiosity about others. Personally, I like to see it as a healthy dose of voyeurism. Without question, we each have unique tastes and appeal, so when in social settings, it can be quite natural to “people watch.”

Then the good stuff all falls apart; the expert goes on to talk about her own past relationship with a man she referred to as "The Ogler." OK, you lost me right there – can you say "personal agenda." She has clearly indicated that she has her own deep-rooted – and potentially jealous – bias underlining any advice she has to offer on this subject.

For me, the writer’s issue is more about the exclusion of the partner in the natural habits of the other.

Maybe I'm the strange one for hoping I am one of those women that attracts a man's attention. I certainly invest enough effort into being a bit of a distraction and it would be disappointing to discover it was all a figment of my over-active imagination. At the same time, I can appreciate why my significant other likes to look at other women – heck, I like to look at other women! Does this suggest he is seeking a replacement for me? I doubt it ... because we don't misinterpret each others' "people watching" as a threat to our marriage.

The key, in my definitely-no-expert opinion, goes back to the one topic I continually harp on: communication.

The woman asking the question obviously has some jealousy issues, or feels threatened by her husband’s noticing of other women ... which seem to indicate deeper problems in the relationship than just noticing a "hot babe" at the next table. It appears they are just not able to express a part of themselves in a marriage that needs to be nurtured more than one's ability to balance a chequebook or mow the lawn.

The emotional passion and desires need to be in bigger focus than anything else. I don't know about you, but it's not the material things that fuel my relationship with my husband ... it's knowing who he is, his desires, lusts, passions, ambitions, dreams and fantasies that make up a core part of it. If I know and am in tune with all that, then we sail through the moments of economic recession, mortgage re-negotiations, bills, etc.

Then, of course, we are able to relish those more "sexually charged" moments when his (and my) gaze is turned to a stunning set of legs in a short skirt. I say that because, truly, we both appreciate that. I also know him well enough to say he would never be distracted by a set of tight buns or rock-hard abs on a fit guy at the beach … but he doesn’t dwell on me taking a moment to enjoy the view.

The expert says this woman "must not tolerate" her husband's ogling any longer – clearly suggesting something akin to a showdown at the OK Corral. Like that will turn out positive.

Do I have an answer? Not really, other than if you can’t talk to your spouse about something as natural as admiring the human form, then you should expect bigger issues on the horizon.

Oops! I have to run. The really hot EMS guy just showed up!

Andee     xoxo

 

Flirting | A Sexy Birthday Gift

I wasn’t intending to turn this into a blog, but after a few requests for more information, I figured it made sense – plus a chance to revisit the whole experience in my mind again. I almost think I should have made this more of a Fantasy Friday, given how long it is; but let’s call it a Short-Week Sexcapade instead.

If you happen to be one of my followers on Twitter, you’ll know that Tuesday was another one of those “fun” days for me; “fun” meaning when things get a little hot as opposed to the Family Channel kind of fun. As usual, my tweets were sometimes a little cryptic, sometimes directed at specific individuals, and I tried to answer as many of your tweets along the way.

In my little game here, I have pretty clear rules when it comes to what happens at work and keeping it all hot and exciting by sharing those events through Twitter. It’s something that my husband thought up, and so you all get to be included in the adventure as well. It has also become an easy and anonymous way for some of my real-life friends to connect with the naughty side of me.

Anyway, it had been a long weekend here, and returning to work on Tuesday coincided with a certain Office Guy’s birthday. As a good friend I had been thinking what I should get for him. I couldn’t give him something practical because our relationship, with all its kinks and quirks, is not something he shares with anyone – especially his wife. I also had reservations about some of the suggestions that came from my own spouse. He tends to be a bit braver on my behalf than I really am.

I knew my day would be interesting when I noticed a couple of items my husband set out for me. I had already planned to dress up a little – but he often finds ways to add a certain “element” to that. This time I found my new hot pink bra and panties and black back-seam thigh highs that I had purchased on my birthday date set out with my dress. I guess I knew they would make an appearance at some point …

By the time I was ready to head out and catch the train, I was feeling pretty good about myself. When I know the man I have at home is drooling over how I look, it helps go a long way. After all, despite my flirtatious ways with my friend, my husband is the man I am trying to seduce at the end of the day.

The second big boost came shortly after I settled into my usual spot on the morning train, when my still-anonymous Cute Guy arrived on the scene, and happened to notice me (yes!!!!) and flash me that “I so want to kiss you” smile. OK, maybe my imagination embellishes that a little, but you know me.

The first inclination of how my workday might play out came at our morning coffee break. I had casually stopped by my Office Guy’s office at the end of my first round, just to say Happy Birthday and see how his day was going. As is his usual habit, he made a nice compliment about how I looked. I turned slightly and let him see that my hosiery had a seam that ran up the back of my leg. He asked if it went “all the way up” … and so I slipped inside the door, so not to be seen, and hiked up my dress so he could see that I was wearing thigh highs. I said “only that high up” and smiled and off I went to enjoy my break with a few of my friends from my department.

Later that morning, I happened to see him in the hall. We stopped and chatted as we usually do, and then he leaned in an whispered in my ear about how much he liked the little peek I had given him earlier … and described the reaction it had on him. I answered back that if he liked the preview, he would enjoy his gift later.

Lunch was my next opportunity to stoke the fire more. We have managed to continually – and seemingly without drawing attention – sit directly across from each other at these events. It’s perfect, in that, we don’t give away our naughty secret but we still have adequate chances to tease, torment and torture each other. For example, my Office Guy has a thing for: a) hosiery, b) feet and c) foot jobs. I know this from experience and conversation.

Tuesday was no different. While everyone was foolishly asking about work, complaining about this, that and the other thing, I was removing my shoe and then sliding my foot up the inside of his leg. As he shuffled his chair into the table – as if to lean in closer to our coworkers’ conversation – I was able to gently stroke his growing erection with my toes. However, too much of this can be torturous, so I didn’t continue for a long period of time … just enough to remind him of how much fun we can have.

Lunch continued with the usual amount of collective banter and general birthday chatter until it was time to head back and actually earn our keep.

I’m sure many of you must think that my workplace must be something like Grey’s Anatomy; but it’s not, really. It’s much worse. Actually, while you enjoy all the crazy ideas that go on in my mind, half the time I am tweeting some of the nonsense while running off to make a delivery to one of the floors, or standing in the elevator, the line-up in the coffee shop … you get the idea. Naughty multi-tasking blended with mortgage-paying labour.

Throughout the day I had been posting cryptic messages, hints, etc. for my Office Guy to read – and as designed, for my own hubby to keep up on the antics. I honestly don’t know if my friend’s hand was on his Blackberry or in his pants more often … I just wanted his imagination to be duly distracted throughout the day.

By mid-afternoon, it was getting to the point where all the naughtiness had to meet up with some action.

When I actually visit my Office Guy on non-work-related matters, I have to time my trip carefully. Raising the suspicion of some of the others in his area could be a bad thing for all parties concerned. So, when the moment arrived, I slipped into his office and quietly closed the door behind me. I think he was a touch surprised at first, because I get the sense he was honestly expecting an actual gift-wrapped package … and my hands were empty. I asked him if he was ready for his gift and he got that look on his face that is a cross between shit-eating grin and abject fear. When he said he was, I asked him to arrange his chair so that I could stand in front of him.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned in. I whispered into his ear that I had thought long and hard about what the perfect gift might be. I teased him with the suggestions that my husband has shared with me that morning. Then I said if he followed the seams of my stockings all the way to the top, he would find his gift.

My Office Guy slowly made his way up the backs of my legs and under the hem of my dress. The sensation of his hands on me again, touching me in such a sexual way, sent a wave of lusty electricity through my body. I was already incredibly turned on, and this pushed me closer to the edge of surrender.

When he got to my little lacy thong, his hands gently continued across the flesh of my ass, tracing the little whisp of lace. I asked him to take my panties off of me. I have to admit, it was a very unusual sensation to have another man removing my panties in this fashion – erotic and naughty. They were soaked from me being so turned on.

I stepped out of them, and whispered to him they were his to keep as a fond memory of his birthday. He understands there are reasons why other suggestions can not materialize at this moment, without us having to say. But it is hard to ignore the intense heat that rises between us.

I couldn’t leave it at just that. This was the man who had brought me to orgasm in a hotel room less than a kilometre away from where we were now. And I needed a little something to satisfy my own urges.

I took his hand and raised it to my mouth, and sucked on his finger like I had done to his cock during our interlude only a couple months ago, and then surprising myself with more bravery than expected, guided him under the hem of my dress and to the wetness between my legs.

I allowed my Office Guy to explore me with his long fingers for a few minutes. Then, without saying much more, I took back his hand and sucked on his now wet fingers. Before leaving his office –as time is tight and we do have actual jobs to do, I gave him a deep kiss.

Later that night, after my wicked husband had me pose for some photos in my outfit from the day, I finally managed to get the much needed sexual relief – but not before having to describe every minute detail of my afternoon.

Andee     xoxo

Flirting | It's Not That Dangerous

It goes without saying that one of my most favourite extra-curricular activities in life is flirting. When you take a look at my tag count here on my blog, you’ll see that well over 100 of my entries, almost one-third, have some connection to flirting … and my sometimes naughtier-than-most behavior.

The thing is: I love to flirt. Despite my own occasional social awkwardness (hey, we all have quirks), I am very much a people person. I love to sit and people watch, and I like getting to know what makes people tick.

My coworkers sometimes ask how I know so many other people in our building, and the answer is simple: I talk to them. If you have to ride in an elevator with the same people day-in day-out, or make deliveries to their departments, you might as well get to know who they are. I’m amazed at how someone can work at the same job for years and never know the name of the person they pass in the hall every day.

And it’s not just about the Office Guys either. I’m an equal-opportunity flirt.

I make it no secret – on here, anyway – that my occasional flirtatious dalliance has led to some really erotic encounters and fantasies being fulfilled! But I am still amused that some people seem believe there has to be an ulterior motive behind the flirting, other than having a bit of fun and social interaction.

You may recall that a while back I blogged about how social psychologists at a Canadian university discovered that different beliefs between men and women about the power of flirting can hurt committed relationships.

I can certainly see where the line can be crossed … I have no doubt that some people will see that is exactly what I have done in my own adventures. However, all of my own personal experiences have involved willing partners. I don’t hide any of it from my husband, and when things progressed to something a lot more intriguing, he was there for the whole show.

But, reading back on what the study had to say remains one of those things that intrigues me: men are oblivious when it comes to the dangers of flirts.

“Men simply do not see the same danger as women when a flirt strikes,” says Prof. John Lydon, lead author of the study.

Lydon, a relationship expert, says in one experiment, a meeting with an “available, attractive alternative” was closely followed by the discovery their partner had done something that irritated them, such as reveal an embarrassing detail to others. The men got angry. The women, however, became more loving and forgiving.

According to Lydon, the women recognized the danger presented by an attractive flirt and worked to shore up the committed relationship they already had. The men didn't have a clue what was going on. Lydon says women are more proactive at saving the relationship, using skills honed over centuries of being warned of the perils of flirtatious men.

“Women are just more likely to have guys coming on to them,” he says, adding that this kicks in a defensive response, “Oh, I've got to watch out for the relationship.”

Once again, I reflect back on my earlier thoughts when I was writing about this. Maybe it is just me, but I find most – if not all – commentary on flirting tends to be negative. There may be the occasional trashy women’s magazine advice column on “How to flirt with that hot guy at the gym …” but outside of focusing specifically on the singles set, flirting is deemed deadly once a ring goes on the finger. Article upon article is dedicated to how interacting on a “sexual level” with others is dangerous, as if every interaction is going to lead to a steamy rendezvous in the supply closet.

We get caught up in the preconceived notions that marriage and commitment mean an end to the sexual excitement of being an individual. Social mores paint women as jezebels if we dare have anything but a June Cleaver conversation with a man other than our husbands. I see it every day in my own life. I choose to sit and chat with my Office Guys because, unlike the women I work with, they have something interesting to say.

But the looks and scandal-laced gossip that flies because I dare to cross the gender divide of the lunch room … lions, tigers and bears, oh my!

How about looking at a more modern perspective of the psychology – that we are no longer defined by the standards suffered by our mothers and grandmothers and have discovered that we are capable of thinking for ourselves when it comes to game of innuendo and batting of the eyelashes.

Naturally social psychologists are intrigued more by the kind of study that examines "risks" versus the "emotional excitement" of flirting with other people because the results hold greater impact. And, just maybe, it may be difficult to identify a group of people who are willing to admit that flirting has become an enhancement to their personal happiness – which translates to a happier relationship at home.

For me, I remain committed to the idea of being a shameless flirt. In a way, as twisted as it may seem, is that the results “validate” me as a woman. We still want to know that we can be attractive to other men, that we can be interesting and intriguing enough to stop and chat with. Just because we have a wedding ring doesn’t necessarily mean that our mind and imagination becomes a closed environment. In fact, marriage should open it up to even more wonderful experiences.

And honestly, feeling completely at ease with being a shameless flirt, I know my marriage is much better off for it ... but mostly because (as you have read many times before) I share my experiences with my husband. It's the secrets that cause the danger!

Andee     xoxo

All Wet | Sex In The Water

I can’t say that I’m the most experienced person when it comes to daring sex; and by daring, I mean fun things like sex in public places, or where the risk of getting caught or seen might be high. That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy tempting the voyeur gods a little bit more, it just says that there’s a lot left for me to explore.

In one of the past TMI Tuesday blogs I had read, there was something that stood out to me as something to consider for one of my own updates. Maybe not so much as a TMI Tuesday theme, but rather just a thought that would be fun to explore.

The idea centred around whether or not it would be more exciting to have sex in the shower, a pool or a hot tub. Having already accomplished all three of these, my thinking was more along the lines of where could I take the idea next?

Sex in the shower isn’t unheard of in my house. With two Little Men – who are now not so little – there isn’t a great deal of “privacy” when the mood strikes. Let’s be honest, when Mom’s bedroom door is closed and it’s not bedtime yet, chances are something is going on … and they’re old enough to know. Luckily they still look at the whole thing as “icky.” The longer I can keep them innocent, the better.

One thought that has intrigued me for some time, however, is having a shower that is specifically designed for sex. A few years ago my husband spent some time in Las Vegas for work – home to about every twisted thought one can have. The shower in his room is exactly what I have in mind (he took a picture): a seamless glass booth with multiple shower heads. It would be perfect for a great many sexual encounters … and maybe even a great video or two.

Now, with that planned for home renovations, the other water-based sex scene I would love to explore is that of a hotel hot tub. Excuse the reality that the water might not be the sexiest – use your own imagination here – but I love the idea of pushing the limits like that. In my thoughts, there would be only a few adults around, oblivious to what is going on.

Or maybe not …

I think this is something that really captured my curiosity a few years ago when I was away for a conference with a coworker. I blogged about how that weekend was the one that opened my mind to my bisexual side and peaked my interest in wanting to know more.

You can read the bigger details here … but focusing on the hot tub … my friend and I decided to spend a bit of time before the evening’s big event down at the hotel pool. Being away from spouses also meant a little less of the “watchful eye” and freedom to be a little silly, playful and brave. We slipped into our bikinis and headed downstairs.

There hotel was pretty busy, as it was right next door to a major airport. When we got down there, there were a few families in the pool, so we made a b-line for the hot tub. We weren’t in there too long when a couple guys came over and got in as well. Now, this is not like a backyard tub where it’s very cozy so it wasn’t awkward. After a couple minutes, the small talk started in pretty typical fashion: where are from, what are you doing here, etc. She and I were already in a very chatty mood, quietly discussing our bisexual curiosities.

Since hotel hot tubs tend to be noisy, with each question, and the instinct to lean closer in order to hear, eventually the four of us all shuffled closer together. To be clear, nothing was going to happen with these guys other than some fun flirty and a little innuendo. My friend and I had no intention of doing anything involving other men.

The biggest surprise for me though, was as we were sitting, chatting, she and I were very close together. Usually in a hot tub, you kind of have your arms floating out front, playing with the bubbles, that kind of thing. Unexpectedly, I felt her hand on my leg. Having already been delightfully turned on by her (read the original blog) this was a very welcome move. As our conversation continued with the guys – and got particularly more suggestive – her hand moved as well. In a few minutes, she had settled her fingers at the top of my thigh, with her pinky finger stroking me through my bikini.

Now, you have to understand that this was the first time that another woman had ever touched me there in such a sexual fashion. I don’t remember if I gasped, coughed or sputtered, but I do remember the wave of incredible lust that overcame me after it sank in what was happening. And I have no doubt that the guys we were with suspected something.

Regardless, the moment left me with a deeper desire to explore my bisexual thoughts and a huge fantasy for hotel hot tubs.

Andee     xoxo 

Sex | Seriously, It's Just A Number

Every now and then, I hear the occasional “bit of advice” about not asking about a person’s sexual history. I guess I am a bit of an unusual case because, honestly, I want to know … and please feel free to use some graphic descriptions. I see it as an important part of who my partner is. These were experiences that were real and important to them at a point in their life. On top of that, who’s to judge whether or not I might learn something from it that might help me bring them more happiness.

When I saw a few messages this week when I checked my email, I figured what would be better than to expose some intimate detail about my own history. So, here’s a Formspring Friday question that I certainly liked on the subject of sexual mileage:

Do you think your friends would guess that you have slept with more or less people than you actually have?

For anyone who knows me – the real me behind Andee – they would probably guess pretty darn close to the truth. My circle of close friends know my husband and I have been in a very committed relationship for a long time … 22 years, in fact. They also know my age, which when using simple math would tell them that I was pretty young when I started dating him. The assumption would be that, given my age when we started dating, it would have taken me out of the dating pool for part of high school and all of college.

Assuming I also behaved 100% while maintaining a long-distance relationship for almost two years.

Having said that, I think that a good number of them would under-guess the truth because they may not really know about some of the sexual antics that my hubby and I have enjoyed: assuming that we’re not going to say sex only has to be intercourse between a man and a woman. There have been a few very enjoyable nights and afternoons of healthy, sweaty sexual activity that just didn’t reach the point of traditional intercourse between me and another man.

So that might cloud the issue. I know that for some of my friends south of the border, there has been some debate on whether or not a little oral action qualifies as “sexual relations.” But what’s a blowjob or pussy-licking between friends, right?

And do women count as sexual partners?

Ooh, the depth of it all!

Now, I think that some of my other more casual friends and coworkers might over-estimate the number of sexual partners I have had, given the occasional flashes of sexual confidence that exude from me. And I’m sure that, based on the kind of things I do share with them about my marriage, they might think I have a bit of a track record of experience.

Regardless, I am a big believer in quality sexual relations over quantity.

So, just to make things a bit fun, I have decided to turn my blog poll into your chance to “guess” the number of sexual partners I have had. I’m going to leave it wide open for you and say that I personally consider oral sex to be sex … besides, it helps with the stats.

Once the poll is done, I’ll confess all to you … plus it gives me a week to pad the numbers just in case!

Andee     xoxo