The one thing that my blog has allowed me to do is open up to both myself and my husband about some of the sexual fantasies that swirl around in my head. Like many of you, I have those ones that rank as safe and somewhat standard. Ideas like making love on a secluded beach under a setting sun; a fantasy where you can paint the mental picture without testing your partner’s willingness to share in that fantasy too much.
It’s safe and hints at the romantic that a woman is supposed to be.
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What I have discovered in my life, my sexual psyche and imagination as I have grown older is a whole deeper level of desire, passion and dreams. I’m certain that the connection to all this is how, as we grow older, we become more comfortable with who we are and are able to “find ourselves” more easily.
But that isn’t to suggest it is a complete free-for-all around my house. On the contrary. There is still an awful lot that I am beginning to discover and try to understand.
So when these questions were presented to me recently, it gave me a few good things to think over and really get inside my own head:
Do you ever feel guilty, embarrassed or secretive about your sexual fantasies?
I believe we all have a little voice in the back of our head that tells us that some things are just not ‘normal’ for whomever we are: married mom, college girl starting out in serious relationships, bi-curious woman, etc. Unfortunately for most of us our upbringing has instilled certain “morals” surrounding sexuality. Our society is more open to violence than we are sex; and as such, we continue to assign judgment to people who explore, experiment and experience.
Coming out with a fantasy is a difficult task in a relationship because it means opening yourself to a level of vulnerability. Hopefully in your relationship, you have a high level of trust and the ability to see that fantasy is just that - a crazy notion that occupies some space within the imagination. Because we have certain thoughts doesn’t mean we are ready to take off like Thelma and Louise. It just means we have a healthy libido and are able to connect our minds to our sexual desires.
I think people are more afraid of their own sexual fantasies because they fear being judged more than they fear the effort it would take to try something.
Now, being nudged off the soap box, goodness, yes there are some sexual fantasies that I do feel guilty about, and some that both shock and embarrass me. My husband knows many of mine, but I sure as heck won’t say he knows all…especially since there are some that I am trying to understand on my own, and what they mean.
And then some of my fantasies are fleeting dreams that only make me go “Wow, that was unexpected!” But we can’t begin to get hung up on how our minds work when we are asleep and dreaming. I simply enjoy the new ideas and will occasionally revisit those thoughts when I am alone and awake…if you know what I mean.
More so, thankfully, I see those as a healthy sign that my mind is always going in new directions.
Keeping secrets, for the most part, is not something that I like to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t…and I’m not naïve enough to think that my husband doesn’t have a few of his own. However, I’m sure just like many of you, there are thoughts that I have that I recognize as being something that would not appeal to him on the same level … sexual thoughts about people and situations that wouldn’t indulge his own imagination. We’ve been together long enough for me to know what gets him going and what will lead to some awkward conversations.
But when push comes to shove, I will let him in on some of those…if even just a very small component just to keep him guessing. Kind of like my recent fantasy about one of my Office Guys and his girlfriend.
How much do other people’s opinions affect your sex life?
The easy answer is “only a little” but the truth is closer to “a lot.”
Let me explain:
As many of you have read, I am someone who is really trying to set out on this sexual adventure, trying new experiences and exploring new levels of my own sexuality. And I am having a lot of fun.
But, the truth of it all is, with the exception of my husband, my sister and one Office Guy, no one knows the real woman behind this. My online persona of Andee is who you get to spend your time with. I have to keep my real identity (like many of you) as hidden as I can because if people knew who I really was, the social and career consequences would be disastrous.
As I mentioned earlier, our society is more accepting of brutal violence than the more healthy act of sex. Each evening on the news we can video after video of people doing the most horrific things to each other, but an act of love and sexual expression is censored.
I could be a convicted felon, serve my time, be freed from jail and then be elected to government without judgment. But if I was to run in an election today, my naughty little hobby would become front page fodder from coast to coast. Hmm…habitual drunk driver or housewife with an adult website, who is more dangerous to society?
Unfortunately, most people think the sexually active housewife is…
So that really determines more of who I share my sex life with.
However, that is about me being open to sharing what goes on with me in a sexual way. When it comes to the actual pursuit of sex, the only other person’s opinion that affects what I do is that of my husband. I may be someone who is out there, trying new things, experiencing the rush of life in a good way, but I would never do something that would be an emotional battle for him. Cheating, secretive dates with other guys, sexual situations without him knowing - none of that. But that's just common respect; something else that seems to be lacking in our society.
My sex life has actually been more enhanced by his opinion than restricted. I have said before, and will say it again, had I not met my husband and married him, I doubt very much that I would have done half of the things I have done so far. He has encouraged me to explore my sexuality in a positive way, been supportive of my bisexual desires, and allowed me to become bolder in who I am as a sexual woman. He has also, in a way, positively prodded me into pushing the envelop every now and then.
And our conversations can be the most incredible mind-fuck...
So, people’s opinions are what keep me in the closet about my sex life, and perhaps limit the opportunities that I create (i.e.: more bisexual moments) but I will still get it in every hole while I am there despite what people say about the hazards of oral, anal and every-which-way sex!