August 1, 2012

Sex | True ... or Urban Legend

Every so often, when the mood strikes and the planets seem to be aligned, the conversation at work turns to something intriguing. This time, instead of regaling each other with stories about our wild and crazy weekends (mine almost always involves kids’ sports in the summer time ... and the winter time), things turned to sex stories.

Someone had mentioned the old “I heard ...” and proceeded to tell everyone sitting there about how the had learned that a certain couple they knew (not us) were involved in “the lifestyle.” This, for those of you who prefer the old goldfish bowl description, is best known as being swingers.

And, it’s often in those discussions that I find my tongue hurts from biting it, or I have to give a friendly boot to those in my life who know just a bit too much about what my weekends are occasionally like.

Regardless, without rehashing the story of what has gone on in my own personal life over the past few months, truth be told, there aren’t very many wild and crazy sex tales for me to share. Even the few occasions when my husband and I tested the waters of swinging, it wasn’t anything like the stereotypes you might associate with it; no orange shag carpets, bean bag chairs, satin jumpsuits and guys with big cheesy moustaches. Just two overly excited married couples, a bit too much to drink, and our imaginations.

But the question in question was: “What is the wildest, most unbelievable sex story you have ever heard?”

I don’t know ... this is kind of where I always feel a bit naive and sheltered. Where I grew up, sex usually earned you a reputation. Then in college, it was a bit more experimentation; and though I shared a house with three guys, they knew well enough not to dish out too much of the sexual BS. None of them were exactly Casanovas.

Despite knowing these days that it was just our own small town version of the story, there was one of those urban legends going around back when I was in high school about a girl who tried the old "frozen hot dog" as a sex toy. As I am sure many of you have heard, the story goes about a girl who uses a ballpark frank to sexually pleasure herself, only to discover the hot dog breaks and has to go to ER to have it removed from her vagina.

At my school, the story began after one of those crazy bush parties that happened pretty much once a year. I remember the girl they said it was, and I still wonder if she ever knew, if she cared or if it left her with some sort of emotional pain.

The other story that I found kind of wild and unbelievable was one that was going around about one of the girl’s in my grade. It apparently happened after senior prom at one of the after parties. The girl, who had been drinking (these always revolve around too much alcohol), followed her friend and the friend’s boyfriend into one of the bedrooms at the house where the party was taking place. She then, rumour has it, successfully seduced the other girl and put on a display of lesbian sex not seen outside of movies about the Swedish Bikini Volleyball Team.

I think I am way more intrigued by this tale than the one about the hot dog, mostly because of my own bisexuality and how I would love to have the opportunity to ask the girl if that really did happen.

The thing about sex stories, I believe, is that few of us would tell the whole truth about our own experiences to people who are a regular part of our lives. In my own experience, I’m sure that quite a few people who be speechless to learn of the things I have done, even though none of them would prove to be the genesis of a trilogy of trashy erotic novels about bdsm, billionaires and red rooms. Despite the adventure I am having right now, there is little in my own sexual history that starts with “So, I met this football team after I won a wet t-shirt contest during Spring Break in Daytona ...”

But, who knows ... maybe someone out there is talking about this somewhat shy and quirky Canadian woman they know who has her own raunchy website and porn videos.
Andee     xoxo

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