July 15, 2012

Healthy Investigation ... or Snooping

I have never really been one who got into the whole celebrichef trend. As someone who thinks the kitchen is just a practical room, the appeal of most food shows and the larger than life personalities these people force themselves to put on just isn't for me. I mean, when I see the commercials for certain popular chefs, and you see their ranting, raving and swearing at their staff, it just reminds me of all the bullying idiots I've had to endure in my own career. Not cool.

But the other day, I found something about British chef Jamie Oliver that touched off a bit of a firestorm ... it was a story about how his wife of 12-years routinely checks his e-mails, cell phone and Twitter account for signs of infidelity. And then, in the interview with the press, she claims that while he believes her to be a "jealous girl" she sees herself as a "laid-back" individual.


Now, I don't know Jamie Oliver. I probably could distinguish between him and the other British chef, because I think Oliver uses a lot less profanity when talking to his employees ... I think. But I do know that whether you are a world-renowned sandwich artist or a somewhat anonymous broom pilot, having your private communications subject to investigation is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Yesterday, while my hubby and I were having our morning coffee together, we got on the subject of trust. And in our relationship, without question, there is an awful lot of trust. That is what makes it strong and our connection deeper than some of the relationships we see around us. At the same time, as my husband explained, we also tend to push our trust to the limits that not an awful lot of people would dare. That's not to say we cross the line, but recognizing that in our current sexual adventure, things are happening on a somewhat regular basis that require a whole serving of honesty.

My husband explained that in relation to my current relationship status with a certain Office Guy, all he could rely on for those hours that I am at work and in close proximity to one of my objects of desire is trust. I continually reassured him that, given our outlook on what we want from this adventure, there was little need to worry.

But I'm not naive enough to think that his concerns and fears are not legitimate, no matter what I say in response.

The marvels of all that rest in the simple fact that our trust grows when we have these conversations - because through them we are actually being open with each other and communicating. Couples are supposed to talk to each other and work on building something stronger, not just settle into a routine of quiet doubt. For us, healthy investigation into what is going on when we are apart comes from these couch talks over coffee because rarely does anything positive come from secret surveillance.

Someone in the Jamie Oliver article said that assuming your spouse is cheating is one way to guarantee that they will. I couldn't disagree more; assuming your spouse is cheating and investing all that energy chasing shadows takes away the opportunity for intimacy with your spouse - and robs you of those precious moments when difficult questions can be discussed like adults.
Andee     xoxo


Jack and Jill said...

We don't really follow Jamie Oliver, or any of the celebrity chefs - we know who they are, of course, but make no effort to watch or read any of them. But this sounds, for lack of a less-dramatic word, insane. If your partner insists on snooping in this fashion, there is probably no reason for the relationship to exist. If the snooping partner snoops because he or she suspects infidelity without justification - i.e., no prior infidelity has occurred - then the other partner should think better of him or herself and get the hell out of there. If the snooping partner snoops with justification, i.e. because infidelity has occurred and the snooper wants to prevent it from happening again, he or she should think better of him or herself and get the hell out of there. Who in their right mind would want to live with a partner who cannot be trusted? If you have to constantly monitor your partner's activity because you suspect that they will cheat, then let them go and find someone else.

Anonymous said...

You blog is very interesting and I love reading it. I have to say on this one that I think your husband must be a bit of a fool. It is one thing to have some trust in a marriage but knowing what you and your coworker have done and allowing you to continue to intereact away from him is crazy. Maybe you have a very different kind of marriage but I just know that he is leaving it for you at your word. I won't be surprised if in a years time we're reading a much different entry about your marriage breaking up. Sorry but I have this this happen before to people. Temptation can only be held back for so long until it gets boring and the new game is seeing how long you can hide the affair.

Anonymous said...

I thought the same just not as abrasive as the previous commenter. I don't think I could be as trusting when I know what has gone on before. Its too risky, especially these days when commitment means nothing in a relationship. But to snoop means the suspicion is there which means the trust is not there either.

I hope its better for you Andee. You seem pretty lucky so far and it would suck for everything to blow up on you.

Anonymous said...

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone."

Anonymous said...

Wow…I feel like someone needs to come to the rescue of poor Miss Andee here. If some of you want to go back to the beginning, this wasn’t about her it was about Jamie Oliver’s wife. So its Mrs. Oliver that is not so trusting of her husband. In a way to give us something intriguing to read, our lovely Canadian MILF, used her own marriage to support the argument for ACTUALLY TALKING TO YOUR SPOUSE. If you find you have to delete text messages and emails then things might not be on the up and up. But if you have to delete because you think you have to explain them, you are breaking your trust to yourself as well. Jamie Oliver’s story was featured in the English press so it wasn’t this big expose on spousal jealousy, just that his wife is the jealous sort and she doesn’t see it that way.

I think it’s great that Andee and her husband are able to talk about trust issues, even if you chose not to buy what she has to say 100 percent. I think she would likely see what the risk is to her maariage on a bigger level than those of us who just perv her blog and sexy pictures. The truth of the matter is everyone has secrets in their marriages. The difference is how big these secrets can be. Are you hiding an affair? Yeah, thats huge. If you threw away the healthy sandwich she made for you and ate a cheeseburger for lunch without confessing, thats not as bad. Except for the heartburn that might follow.