The article this time was about “sexy”
moves that your guy just doesn’t find sexy from a guy’s point of view. Now,
this one wasn’t as full of rubbish as some of the others, but I still had to
choke down my Cajun chicken to get through some of the advice.
Part of the article relies on the
assumption that if you are actually dating right now, the guy you are dating
must be a lazy idiot. No, not because he is dating you, but because he has
absolutely no sexual creativity and must be spoon-fed sex because it is your
responsibility to continually “please your man.” Except now, as a woman, you
must learn to understand that he only wants it when he wants it – and that
having to put any effort into the “tease” takes too much of his time away from
important things, like picking his fantasy croquette team or something like
that.
Shower sex … especially on weekday
mornings.
"Unless you have a seat in there, a
shower romp is never as fun as it sounds. Who gets to stand under the water?
And she can't like it when she goes down on me and there's scalding hot water
blasting her in the face."
If you can’t figure out how to position
yourself in the shower so she’s not getting water in face when she is doing
something to make you feel sexy and desirable, then I’ll make sure you have
some extra conditioner in there because from now on the only lube you’ll be
getting on your clean Johnson will be spread with your own hand while you jerk
off to those stories your buddy from work tells you about the things his wife
does to him.
Hint you're in the mood, then
play hard to get and make him work at seducing you.
“Just what a guy wants when he gets home
from work: more work. The chase is a game for those who've just met. When
you're in a new relationship, you're so excited, you'll try anything. I once
spent three weeks eating at vegan restaurants just because a girl was cute (and
vegan). Of course, I'd grab a cheeseburger afterward. But still, that's working
for it!”
You know what’s work? Trying to get the
mustard stain off the crotch of your pants after you’ve eaten that cheeseburger,
you slob. But fear not buddy, you can bemoan your lack of understanding of women
while you drop a few more coins into the washing machine at the laundromat when
you go with your other newly-single friend … and compare notes of which
conditioner feels better to masturbate with in the shower.
Wear a top with a million little buttons
and slowly undo them while he watches.
“Is it cool if I watch baseball till you
finish? This sounds more goofy than sexy. Sure, most guys enjoy a striptease,
but there's a reason strippers don't wear tops like that. Namely, there are few
things less hot than unbuttoning a million buttons. Guys like it when you take
off your clothes, but it's better if it doesn't take half an inning to get to the
main event.”
Well, I bet you love those cheapass
t-shirts from Walmart better because that’s the only place you’ll meet your
next big thing. Oh, and the stripper thing? Yes, they don’t wear button down
shirts like your wife or girlfriend … but unlike your brass pole fantasy we
don’t make your dick ooze puss and burn when you pee. Yeah, that’s hot – in a
not so delightful way. Hope she was worth the $20 bucks you stuffed in her
g-string before you wagged your inch-worm out from your best pair of sweat pants.
Buy a super-pricey, super-vampy little
lingerie number for his eyes only.
“The only time a guy notices lingerie is
when it's hard to take off. Sexy lingerie is kind of a nonstarter. If it makes
you feel sexy, great. Go for it. But if you're wearing it to turn a guy on,
just know it doesn't do as much for us as you might think. If I already know
what's under there, then what's the point?”
Which is why your Internet browsing history
is full of links to pantyhose and stocking fetish sites, right? And why does
that Victoria’s Secret catalogue come to the house in your name? Or maybe this
year we can say no gift-wrapping for your Christmas presents?
It’s sad that men like this have grown up
too lazy to know that unwrapping her is half the fun. But no, they would rather
just fuck and be done with it so they could get back to the sports channel. And
they wonder why their lives are miserable and empty. Come on, can’t women see
how great a catch you really are?
But, I know this, the minute your wife or
girlfriend starts wearing nothing but droopy old sweats and cheeseburger
stained t-shirts is the minute you’ll bitch about how she doesn’t bother trying
to improve her appearance and try to start looking kind of like that hot little
intern in accounting who always shows a flash of her lace bra under her button
down… oh wait … I forgot, you don’t like lingerie and buttons. You’re more into
the Velcro look like that stripper was wearing the other night.
Grr…
There was a whole lot more I could have
said about this absolute nonsense, but after scoffing for a few minutes, I
realized that this poor sap of a writer probably goes home to an apartment
still decorated with fond memories of college and not a hot and sexy woman
waiting in nothing but a $300 band of ribbon from an upscale lingerie shop.
Thankfully both my own personal experience
with men and many commenters on the article indicate that these kinds of ideas
are far from the norm. In fact, the few men I do know who even closely talk
along these lines are usually not the kind of men who I think get a lot of this
kind of action anyway.
As for me, I’m OK with this ridiculousness …
because for all the men with an attitude like this out there, I immediately
feel so much more fortunate for having one in my life who will break every man
rule in the book to get me into the “sexy.” But that said, I admit we don’t
usually shower together in the morning; he is way too exhausted from: the
chase, the seduction, the buttons and the lingerie.
Andee xoxo
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