April 24, 2012

Why Not Talk About Past Lovers

I’m pretty sure that you have figured out by now that I tend to be a bit of an open book when it comes to the sexual side of my life. Well, I am on here anyway.

I just think it’s a much more intriguing and entertaining topic when it comes to something to talk about. Plus, why should we feel so afraid of sex as a subject? Imagine how much more exciting life would be if instead of making small talk about nonsensical things like the weather, we could stand in the elevator and ask “So … get laid last night?”

But even when it does come to talking about sex, there are certain topics that remain “off limits.” Almost every relationship expert says not to discuss previous sexual partners. They suggest that those things, as they are intimate details of someone’s past, should remain secrets locked away for all eternity.

I don’t know … I can’t say I really agree with that idea too much.

I don’t have a crowd of skeletons in my closet when it comes to past lovers … but as I said last week, I like to think that the experiences we have had with previous sexual partners help define who we are as sexual beings. We have been able, through those intimate moments, to gain a better understanding of what we like, what we don’t like, what we’re good at and what we may have been missing when we finally meet that partner who is that much better!

Plus, I subscribe to the belief that those past experiences – for the most part – are not something we need to be ashamed of. Parachute pants and big hair in the 80s, yes … but life experiences, not so much. Of course, I am referring to experiences that have not led to emotional or physical scars – and as I get older, I realize that I was fortunate in that my past lovers were relatively average; no serial killers, closet psychopaths or Backstreet Boy tribute band members.

Maybe it is part of the kinky side of me, but I like to know about what has gone on in my partner’s previous relationships. Not so much from a nosy side, but recognizing that surely there must have been something they enjoyed and made them happy, so what is that – and is it something that I might be able to bring to our relationship to make it even better?

The real kinky side of me likes to hear, in graphic detail, some of those moments that I wasn’t there for. It’s almost like a bit of personal erotica.

But am I going to dress up in things like they did? Probably not. But if there was some fun and exciting positions that might not be a regular feature in our sex life, I might be willing to indulge and bring a smile to your face.

And there is the other side to it, as well. As lovers, we all want to know how we stack up to the previous notches on the bedpost. Call it ego, but from a somewhat kinky perspective … just what is it she did with her tongue to make your eyes roll back into your head?

One thing I do believe when it comes to sharing information about other lovers is knowing when the time is right. Communication is hugely important, and there is nothing wrong with sharing some of those life experiences – you just have to pick your moments. But if you talk a lot, you’ll know. If you don’t talk a lot, you might want to start.
Andee     xoxo


Gemma Jones said...

Interesting thoughts. I think sharing this kind of information has to be handled VERY carefully and also needs to take into account how confident people are.
No one wants to hear that their new boyfriend's most recent partner was THE BEST at oral sex on the third date!
But in a marraige or long term relationship, yes I think this is important. Jake and I are currently exploring very slowly the idea of separate dating. A big part of this journey is knowing how much information to share and when. We are working through things like, Do you want to know if I am thinking about doing something or do you want to know when I have a definite plan?
Do you want a blow by blow description of what we did together or just an outline? Jake is a details person. Me I like big picture and details on request, sometimes later.
This scenario is a little different to the one you are describing but it has many of the same aspects to it.

AHubbyof2SexualMinds said...

Fantastic post. I like hearing what my wife did and liked before me, like you it's kind of my own personal porn/erotica being told. We definitely have incorporated some positions and such, but not much more. I'd like to explore more, but it is a touchy subject for anyone.

Andee said...

I agree...I think you do need to be at a very strong and confident point in the relationship in order to open up about past experiences. But damn it can be hot when handled properly and respectfully.