February 7, 2012

Fantasies | Do They Mix With Marriage?

I think it's pretty obvious that my psyche of late has become fixated on the idea of sexual fantasies. Actually, more bluntly, fixated on MY sexual fantasies.

And let's be honest, it's not really something that I struggle with. Throughout this whole adventure of mine, fantasies have played a huge role; as has the discovery of new ones and the turning into reality of old ones. I am certainly not balled up in the fetal position in the corner of a darkened room trying to hide from the multitude of sexual images and thoughts that have taken over my imagination.

Far from it. I have embraced the opportunity I seem to have been blessed with in my marriage and regardless of where my fantasies sit in terms of "when" or "if," each of them have proven to be a very healthy component of my relationship at home.

As I have been allowing one particular one to evolve - and it's yet to be seen if it will truly become a whole reality - the conversations (and sex) I have been having with my husband have been nothing short of mind-blowing. To physical sense his reactions as I take him through the events of a moment I shared with another man, and to hear myself describe my body's reaction and the building desire within me at that moment, is an incredibly intimate experience.

And while this sexual heat is burning in our bedroom, I can't help but wonder how it is we have gotten to the stage. I'll be honest, sometimes I wonder if our relationship is meant to be this way. I look around at the couples we have surrounded ourselves with as friends and I don't see the same passion and excitement between them respectively. What seems to stand out most is the obvious lack of affection and physical contact between them.

And I wonder why...

Perhaps it is the expectations of what a "normal" marriage is supposed to be. But if you can't lust over your partner and best friend as much as you love them, then what is the fuel that keeps the fire burning? Or is marriage meant to be a time when that fire burns down to a bed of embers, with only the occasional flare up of spectacular flames?

What I do know is that if marriage is meant to be that way, then I am happy being out of sync with the expectations.

The messages we see around us - in the movies and television we watch, the literature we read - all tends to hint at sexual heat only existing between people in "forbidden" relationships: moments of adulterous passion is some hotel room or on office desks late at night. And never between two people committed to each other. Our society doesn't seem to embrace the idea that a married couple can turn up the temperature to boiling; rather, the message seems to be that a marriage is wrought with off-schedule libidos, the mundane "Well, it is Tuesday" positioning of the sexual relationship along with overall resentment and boredom.

It's almost as if women are not supposed to be sexy once they are married and have children.

While the recent events in my sexual adventure - and my whole-hearted desire to explore my lust with my Office Guy - cranked up the flames in my relationship with my husband, they also served to validate me as a woman. There are times when, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog, that we need to know we are sexual beings as well as wives and mothers. When my Office Guy told me how sexy he thought I was, he stroked my ego far more adeptly than his hands did to my breasts. And not as if that moment was anything short of erotic and wanted.

And that is more of what a fantasy is in my own mind. It's not the feeling of his hands running along the seam of my panties as he held me from behind and kissed my neck - although that was equally incredible. It was the discovery of being desired all over again.
Andee     xoxo


Anonymous said...

uh...wow...can you get any hotter?

Gemma Jones said...

I think sometimes people feel like they HAVE to be bored with their husband and not want to have sex because that is what is expected. As you said women are discouraged from being sexual by our pop culture and society in general especially when they become mothers.
Fantasy is one of the things that children thrive on (the fairy and superhero type of course). As adults we shut off that part of our mind and I think in a lot of ways we lose that joy that children have with life in general.
Marraige is not meant to be just plain hard work, life is not meant to be plain hard work. I think adults need to embrace their imagination both sexually and in a vanilla way and we will be much happier as a human race.

Andee said...

@Pete ... thank so much sweetie ;-)

@Gemma ... I completely agree. It seems people have these notions about being miserable in marriage and they give up on the pursuit of excitement and adventure; which is odd because once you get married, you have this incredible partner who is willing to leap with you. So glad I haven't fallen into that bitter and jaded trap.