On The Cusp Between Fantasy And Reality

At this point in your life, how often do you find something that scares you?

I’m not really suggesting the idea of a new amusement park ride or horror flick, but a moment in life that brings back those same feelings you had back when you had sex for the first time, had to drum up the courage to ask that secret crush to the Homecoming dance, etc.

You know, the kind of fear that makes your heart skip a beat and sends your stomach into a full flutter of butterflies.

For me, there aren’t too many of these moments left to enjoy. Or, at least, I don’t think there are. But recently I found myself in that very situation - and god, it’s a delightful combination of excitement and absolute fear.

I have told you guys many things about what happens in my crazy sexual adventure. I have shared moments that have blown my mind, and fantasies that have captured my imagination. Lately one of those fantasies has been sitting on the edge of reality - close enough to be a possibility if I could drum up the courage to say the right things, yet far enough away for me to think maybe I should just leave well enough alone.

As I mentioned in my Sexy Sunday update this weekend, the Internet has always provided a level of separation from who I really am and the naughtiness that I share with you. I am able to say some extremely personal things, write about some extremely personal fantasies and reveal some extremely personal photos on my website.

So I really shocked myself when I shared my ‘secret life’ with one of the guys I work with. A genuine ‘leap off the edge of the CN Tower’ for anyone who lives up here, a genuine ‘plunge into the Grand Canyon’ for my friends south of the border. And if you don’t live in North America, well guys, I opened my mouth and just told the man that I did some damn naughty things and he was free to look them up.

Of course, about two minutes after I shared the information with him, I went into the “Fuck!” mode of “what the hell did I just do.” A somewhat exhilarating emotion combined with the shock of my own openness and reluctant reality of knowing that I now had to tell my husband what I had done.

I’ll fill you in on his response a bit more another time, suffice to say I was surprised by his reaction and spent a healthy part of my weekend clutching at the bed sheets, confessing my darkest secrets and deepest sins…and I think I might be walking a tad funny today.

We have kind of reached a point in our relationship and lives together where we have shed a lot of the societal pressures of how couples behave. Not quite those moments of ‘mid-life crisis’ but more towards a bigger commitment to ‘no regrets.’ Right now, as he and I enjoy our life of exploration and experimentation, we are also witnessing the end of the relationship between two very close friends. I can’t say it was a motivating factor in my recent loose-lip education of my coworker, but in hindsight, it has served as just another example of where we don’t want our relationship to go.

It began less than innocently anyway. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you may recall that two weeks ago, during a tempting Friday of sexting with my husband, I admitted that once again I had lost a round in the flirting contest. My husband dared me to reveal some cryptic part of our little game, which I did … and then ultimately revealed all.

Perhaps there was something under all of that which led me to finally make the ultimate leap; I can’t say for sure. But I can share with you is how delightfully erotic it was, and liberating, to watch my friend as he listened, thought through the hints and clues, and then finally come to the realization of what I was sharing with him this week.

For me that kind of … hmm … power … was exciting. For once I was in control of something that fuels a fantasy; and as it sank in to my own reality, the fact that perhaps this person was thinking of me in some very naughty ways. When you have spent 21 years trying to keep the attention of one man, to learn that, as a woman, you could still capture some of the sexual imagination of another man was liberating. To feel the new-found courage to step into a sexually charged moment and not hide behind the fear of jealousy from a spouse or silly notion of “married women don’t behave this way,” well, I have no problems admitting that it excited the hell out of me.

For a couple months, the underlying innuendo in this relationship has been the fuel for some orgasmic moments alone with my battery-operated boyfriend. Our conversations have bordered on the edge of sexual excitement, intimate personal details and, in moments during my flirting contest, he has been the one to put one too many notches in the winning column for my husband. And, even with those silly ‘losses’ thanks to this guy, I have come home to ante up on my contest obligations while other fantasies fill my mind.

All of which leaves me resting on the cusp of where does it all go from here. Scary, but exceptionally erotic.