March 24, 2011

Taboos | What Remains 'Forbidden'

This is a bit of a deeper one that came up a couple weeks ago with one of my girlfriends. She has been really struggling with getting back into the dating scene after a divorce and is finding that a lot of guys out there have some pretty “bizarre” ideas when the relationship goes behind closed doors.

She was wondering if there are any taboos left in life. It’s hard to describe what she is really trying to figure out … on one level, there are some pretty obvious taboos: anything involving children, animals or jail time. On another level, I think she is also trying to understand that, with age and experience, comes an expectation of a higher level of acceptance for “experimentation” when you become intimate with a new partner.

The conversation started out as one of those almost rhetorical statements, but my husband says I’m a bit like a 12-year old with a stick in front of a campfire … poke, poke, poke. I just can’t leave it alone; and far from me to let the chance pass for a good sex talk.

It would be nice to think that dating after a marriage has dissolved would allow us to return to the excitement and newness of what it was like when we were teenagers, but the reality is we all have a bit of road experience. That innocent and na├»ve nature has long since moved on. Most of us have been around the block a couple times by this point in life; and while swinging naked from the crystal chandelier in the front hall may not be everyone’s average weekend, the truth is we know you’ve done ‘it.’ Now it’s just down to the excitement of learning someone new’s tastes and techniques.

I opened up to my friend about some of the “taboos” that I have broken; from my website and videos through to exploring sexual adventure with other couples. These are things that I very rarely get to share with anyone, so I think it was therapeutic for both of us. Not to mention a few glasses of wine.

For her, I know there was some shock value - her ideas of taboos are rooted purely in somewhat ‘normal’ sex acts. Her new dating experiences recently have left her trying to answer to those ideas. I was a bit shocked to learn that someone who spent almost 15 years with the same man still considered some things “off limits.” I don’t know if it helped her specifically to hear that every now and then my husband and I dress up and head out to a lifestyle club, that I experiment with other women, but I was hoping for her to see that life is meant to be experienced. Some of my exploits with my husband could be construed by some as “cheating” by some, while others may think “I wish my partner was willing.”

The idea of “swinging” remains a huge taboo in our culture. When I look around at my own little world, it’s not something I can admit to the majority of people in my life. Even my parents – they know about my website, but it stops there – and they only know about that out of preservation, not permission. I can’t go to work and tell my coworkers that Saturday was Sexy Schoolgirl Nite, so I bought this cute little pink plaid kilt, new thigh-highs and then spent most of the evening kissing some guy’s wife while he felt me up under that little costume. Society just isn’t ready to accept that some consenting adults can, and will, explore their sexual boundaries.

Personally, I believe there is a point in our lives when we come to accept that some of the hang-ups we have carried with us no longer hold water. As we mature, and for me, as I have ventured down this path of sexual exploration, the small things have faded. I’ve learned that the only way I will ever know if I like - or don’t like - something is through trying. I reached, quite consciously, a stage where I said I didn’t want to be one of those people in the nursing home telling my PSW: “I wish I had of, when I had the chance …”

Some taboos - especially the sexual ones - seem very rooted in a moralistic ideal; something that I learned to shed. Of course, there are things that must remain off limits as I mentioned earlier; but there comes a point where you need to know what it is that makes something in your mind ‘taboo.’ Is it a long-held moral belief? Is it a fear of the unknown?

Are there any taboos left? You bet there are … but I think, for the most part, we hold a couple very close in common, while a lot of others are different for each of us. You just have to ask yourself what it is that makes it so.
Andee     xoxo

1 comment:

dubya said...

Andee, there is a big taboo around sex because we have allowed far too many people (government and moralists) into our bedrooms. We have no quams about all the vices that will kill us, but mention a 'good time' and people get on the soapbox and away they go about the downfall of society.