March 21, 2011

Contraception | From Beavers To Sneezes

Last week I posted a cute little “did you know” thing on Twitter about some very strange contraceptive items from ancient times. The specifics were: wooden blocks, lemon rinds and alcohol-soaked sea sponges.

I found it pretty funny that people would come up with these ideas for the prevention of pregnancy. My co-worker and I started chatting about the different ways to keep from getting knocked up unexpectedly … and it just digressed from there.

Personally I haven’t tried a wide variety of contraceptives; pretty much the standards of modern society. A couple times after I lost my virginity, I went the exceptionally risky route of the ‘rhythm method.’ Fortunately for me that didn’t last, as that relationship went the way of a used condom … which is what I pretty much made any guy after that wear. A couple of times I tried ’oral contraception’ - which meant, no glove, no love - but I might be horny enough to give you a blowjob ... until I started dating the guy who became my husband. About three months into our relationship, I went on the pill. Only when we were ready to have children did things change, and then I had him neutered when we had our family set.

But there are some pretty bizarre ideas out there for preventing pregnancy, so I thought it would be fun to come up with a list of the craziest ways I could find:
  1. Beaver testicle tea - you got it, eh. A Canadian idea that is still in practice in some remote communities today. Gives a whole new meaning to lick my beaver … I prefer Orange Pekoe myself. And please, spay and neuter your pets.
  2. Crocodile dung - Ancient Egyptians made a paste out of it and honey and applied it inside the vagina. I would guess this would also cut down on cunnilingus as well. I prefer a purse made from the pooper in question … but don’t tell PETA.
  3. Squat & Sneeze - practiced by the Greeks in and around 120-138 AD instructed the woman to clutch her breast after sex, perform a squat and produce a sneeze. Don’t think it works, but it explains some of the idea that Greeks like it in the behind; she’s got buns of steel, for sure.
  4. Leather condoms - 1800s Japan men wore these. I’ve seen kinkier leather choices, but as a woman I’m thankful Johnson & Johnson kept up with their innovative manufacturing methods. And it tells me a lot about the Japanese man I know …
  5. A Kenny G / Michael Bolton CD mix - one of my personal favourites, but proceed with caution because it can also produce drowsiness in the user and a dance frenzy in gay men.
And please, if you have children, educate them … you’ll sleep easier knowing they got the right information about lemons, sponges and wooden blocks.
Andee     xoxo


H said...

This is the funnies post you ever did. The first one is such a contradiction in terms, none of the beavers i have licked had testicles..... is this a transexual thing ;)

Andee said...

Thanks H ... there are some pretty strange ideas out there on how to still get it on without getting pregnant!

the sub/dude said...

God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL