February 4, 2011

Confidence | It Is A Sexy Quality

Well that was just marvelous, started my day off late because some buffoon doesn’t know how to slow down when the roads are bad - “Hey Lunch Box, it snowed yesterday!” Missed my usual train and am now stuck on the milk run. My boss isn’t going to be too happy …

On the upside, listening to the guys on the radio this morning made me think. They were discussing a recent study from Queens College that found that men prefer to date a woman who lacks a little confidence and reveals her insecurities. I swear the guy in the car next to me thought I was nuts - watching me jabbering away in disgust and arguing. Good thing it’s not summer, or else he would have heard me too!
Day 6 - Go-Go Boots

Back in high school I had this friend who was very smart - she was also very pretty. Outside of class she would act like the dumbest fool around. It used to drive me nuts that she would pull off 98s in math, but pretend she couldn’t remember what happened in the cafeteria last week - when there were some eligible guys around. It was so obvious that she was playing all this up … did I mention it drove me nuts.

Today she’s a teacher …

I can see why some guys would be attracted to women who don’t reveal a lot of confidence, but only in a sense that it makes them feel superior to their dates. Perhaps the issue isn’t with women having confidence in themselves and who they are, but rather with the guys who don’t have the same within themselves. Perhaps it makes them feel a sense of power, or manliness … when in fact, I think it reveals a big flaw in their character.

As I am not dating, nor am I a guy, I can’t say that I find a woman who reveals too much of her insecurities very attractive. I might come across as the shrinking violet sometimes, but that’s not an actual personality trait - it’s so I can keep them guessing!

Now, let’s be fair, we all go through various stages in our lives. It’s called maturity. As we evolve into the people we are as adults, sure there are many questions and fears along the way. You might even want to say that my initial leap into the whole Internet porn thing was a sign of insecurity; a way to seek approval and acceptance from men outside my relationship.

But you would be wrong … my initial leap was the result of me not knowing which side of a dare to take with my husband. I’ve been deliciously “losing” the same bet for close to 10 years now…and I’m pretty confident I will continue along that path for a while yet.

A lot of the men that I have known, and chatted with online, have said that they find “confidence” is more of a turn-on than anything else. So it leaves me wondering where this new “information” is coming from? Really guys, do you find insecurity that much of a turn-on? Or does it really translate into “high-maintenance?” 


H said...

For one, I love a confident woman. Confidence turns me on, she know what she wants/needs, not dependent on me, confidence in the bed room is a real plus.

I have dated some insecure woman, they always left my head shaking with "I don't know what you want" I guess that was because they did not know.

PS. the photo of you in this post, bravo, I will be downloading and "blowing" that one up.

Jay (jkjacobs99) said...

Another great blog, Andee! It is interesting that you focused on confident 'men' and insecure 'women'. I mention it because I also read the Queen's College article you linked to and it spoke to the issue in a non-gender basis (referring to participants rather than gender). The media has programmed us to naturally always assume the man is the confident one and the woman is the 'shrinking violet' [of which you clearly are by no mean, Andee...you are not fooling anyone with that one...haha...oh and are you sure that smart girl playing the fool wasn't you? :p ...but I digress], however that isn't always the case. I think everyone has their own levels of insecurity. It is a huge part what makes us who we are. And for that reason I disagree with the article. Confidence and insecurity, in the context of the article are not mutually exclusive. Attentiveness does not equal insecurity. It is a shame they didn't back their findings with how they correlated the two attributes... I know a lot of so called confident people who are far more insecure than those who are considered so... But maybe that is just my bias :)

Now, I may not be the best judge of this... I'm often referred to as the confident one, the one to got to bat in front of the client or make the pitch, the one who score the 99th percentile as a "Driver" on the Myers Briggs or associated psych tests...but I will say one thing, I do have my insecurities. :)

Oh and unrelated: That was a funny article on shoes and dating... So I'm wearing soft'ish, leather shoes; I cleaned the salt off them this morning, so they are fairly polished; have a good sole on them; and I have had them for a while so they are warn in well on the inside, but still look fairly new on the outside... So what does that say about me? :p