January 29, 2011

Fidelity | It Depends On Your Definition

This one has been one of those comments that has been lingering for a little while. Every now and then something gets said in passing, or directly in conversation, and it sends my mind into a swirling mess of “Oh my gawd, what do you know?”

I’m sure … at least I try to convince myself that I am … that these passing comments have no attachment to me, but are just simple thoughts being shared.

How important do you think fidelity is in a relationship?


Well, actually I think it is extremely important. But if you know the truth about me you would think I am a total hypocrite.

Why? Because I don’t have what a lot of people would consider to be the most fidelity-based relationship. I kiss other women … I’ve had sex with other women. I kiss other men … but I’ve not had sex with other men (if you don’t count oral). My husband and I have engaged in what a lot of couples would never even think of by participating in sexual encounters with people other than each other.

Is that a breach of fidelity? Probably in a very clear definition.

But I don’t exactly see it that way. I don't see the sexual experiences I've had as being unfaithful, just a non-traditional set of circumstances in a marriage.

Let me explain …

Fidelity is something that most committed couples share in their union. It is a bond that involves the deepest level of trust and love two people can share. Some of you may not see it as something that can be flexible … I do.

I see fidelity as the deepest love and trust I share with my husband, but that doesn’t mean I have to apply it to physical pleasure. When I am sharing an intimate moment with someone other than him, it is a purely physical experience. I don’t violate his trust, or mine.

It’s certainly not something that has always been a part of my psyche, but something I have explored, tested and pushed over the past decade. It’s had its ups and downs, stops and starts … and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t also have its share of frustrations, arguments and tears. But in a twisted way, it is through all of those moments that I have developed an even deeper and stronger love for my husband.

Couples today seem to quit rather than invest. I can say that my husband and I have invested a great deal of effort and love to make our marriage something unique. There's not an awful lot that was "easy." It took effort, commitment and constant communication. I listen to some of my friends going on about their dreams, desires and ambitions - and then say they could never discuss it with their spouse. I see that as a bigger breach of fidelity than swapping spit with my girlfriend in a hot tub. I see that as the greatest failure of trust - because it says they can’t be open about themselves to the person who is supposed to mean everything. Instead they will dish the heartaches to a divorce lawyer and split their lives in half.

To me that is being unfaithful to yourself. Maybe you should have told him that you wanted to try something wild and crazy just once … and he could watch while you did.


Another Suburban Mom said...

Hubman and I are not physically faithful by any definition. However, emotionally we always put the needs of the other first and I do not think our commitment is any less strong than a couple that is physically faithful.

Steve and Vic said...

Steve and I would also probably not pass the strict definition of having a faithful marriage either. We've always been able to draw a clear distinction though between the physical pleasure of sex and the emotional fulfillment of being a couple. We like to say that "we don't always know who's bed we're going to be fucking in, but we do know who's bed we're going to be sleeping in!"

Jay (jkjacons99) said...

I really like Steve and Vic's response to this...