March 19, 2012

Baring My Soul After My Fantasy

I have always said that my blog is a bit of what I can't say, the ideas I want to pursue and the thoughts that swirl around in my often-overcharged libido. It's a collection of so much of what goes on in my life, and everything I want to fill my bucket list with.

Getting to today has been a bizarre trip through my mind. The past few days have seen highs and lows, as expected. Part of me would like to bring you another blog entry like Friday's, where I explain in intimate detail the thrill, passion, excitement and toe-curling orgasm of the moment ... but also today is equally as nerve-wracking for me, as today will be the first time I get to see my Office Guy since Wednesday. I am a little afraid if it will be weird; I'm also afraid of how much I want to beg him for an encore performance.

One of the "fallouts" from having a great fantasy come true like mine did on Wednesday is what happens in your mind when all the heat, passion and orgasmic sensation fade. Do regrets emerge, does that knot in your stomach ever subside when you see the person of your sexual desires in a whole new light?

For me, as mentioned, the past few days have been a whirlwind of incredible emotion. Reliving the moment over and over. And the slightly devious thrill it brought to my life ... ok, maybe it wasn't just slightly devious.

The truth is, my only regret about Wednesday is that we didn't have the time to do it all over again ... and a few other things as well. Kind of like a delicious cake, one slice will sate the appetite, but not quite fulfill the hunger for all the sweetness of the icing.

On Sunday, before I headed out to work, I just happened to see a link to an article I had read back a few weeks ago. The article is about a Australian nurse and her experiences as a palliative care worker. Over 12 years she gathered the dying thoughts of her patients - and wrote a book about their regrets. It's an incredible examination of how we live our lives. And for my husband and I, underlined exactly why we find ourselves on this sexual adventure.

Most of what she includes is expected: regrets on the path the chose, and the people they neglected and the dreams unfilled. But even if your dreams don't touch on anything close to something like my sexual adventure, the question still remains:

What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

When my husband and I began to explore the limits of our relationship and the degree to which we could push the trust, we knew that the risks were there. Getting to the point where an afternoon like last week occurred took a whole bunch of baby-steps, stops and starts. But, we also knew that there was so much life to be lived. Sometimes it takes having you soul shaken, your heart broken and a baggage fee applied to some of what we carry through life to help you surrender those preconceived notions, laid upon by often-less-happy people around us.

I have said before that we have had a few moments in the past couple years that made us look deeply into each others eyes and draw in a deep breath from the shock and bewilderment that has overtaken us. From the heart-breaking loss of people close to us, to seeing dear friends confront mortality head on due to illness, to watching as couples around us dismantle their marriages because the love was lost, has made us challenge what it is we want from this ride.

And I can't sit here and say that everyone is able to do the same. In speaking with my husband, and trying to understand his sincere willingness to allow certain events to take place - without fearing jealousy or reprisal - we have been able to shed some of the confines of our relationship and open ourselves to new levels of happiness. Not to mention, we have found an incredible way to enhance our relationship.

Some days, I admit I don't understand what I have done to deserve the opportunity given to me last week ... or any of the freedom to have some fun with my Office Guy without the orgasmic delight. But I'm not about to sit back and allow other people to determine the path my relationship should take with either my husband or my friend.

So, what would be my biggest regret if this was the last day of my life?

I honestly don't know just yet. But I do know that I don't want to reach the end with an empty "bucket of unfulfilled dreams" and whole lot of "What ifs..."

Maybe my biggest regret would be that of never having even one piece of the cake because I was too busy worrying about my diet.
Andee     xoxo


H said...

you and your hotel rendezvous has been on my mind all weekend, I kept trying to imagine the reality of it. I have often imagined watching my wife with another man, after reading your exploits I tried to imagine what the reality would feel like, being together after.

Has your husband shared how this felt for him afterwards, have you had sex with him since? how was it?

I am so intrigued...

Andee said...

I know that is a pretty big (and common) fantasy for guys. I admit, it confuses me at times - especially when my husband tries to explain why he enjoys this more than trying to find a playmate for everyone. But I am not going to ever complain!

The experience was an amazing moment for everyone, and the passion and excitement continued long after my friend had to say goodbye. That said, I think we are still digesting the whole thing and sorting through the "was it everything?" thoughts.

But, it was amazing, exciting, rewarding ... and I'm still walking funny, if you know what I mean ;-)