August 31, 2011

Self Sex | Ways To Describe Your Finger Fun

The other day I posted this slightly silly Tweet about how the more men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. Of course, I was saying this with every heart-felt intention, because I want all you guys to have healthy prostates.

Now, I have no clue as to how many times between those ages you guys are supposed to ejaculate … I guess it may be in proportion to how you spend your time. Once a day, twice … hourly? But, I was amused at how some of you replied to my little nonsense.

First off, I do enjoy watching a guy do that to himself. There is part of me that is fascinated by the act, probably because I think female masturbation must be incredibly boring for you to watch. And I made that comment out loud, in passing to my husband who then proceeded to explain that female masturbation is anything but boring to watch … it all depends on the sex toy being employed at the time.

Personally, my all-time out-of-the-park homerun hitting toy is my pocket rocket. With a fresh battery this thing is guaranteed to rock my brains and naughty bits in a matter of minutes. Then, as the battery begins to lose a bit of its juice, and the vibrations soften a bit, it reaches a delightfully taunting stage where it requires a bit more effort, taking a bit more time. A variety of orgasmic results all in one tiny little package.

Anyway, in honour of some masturbatory moments … and in inspiration of your prostate health, I came up with a bit of a list comparing descriptions of solo acts for him and her:

Bash the bishop – beat off – beat (one's) meat – buck the slobbering donkey – choke the chicken – cook up a batch – crack one off – double-click the mouse – flick the bean – flog the bishop – flog the log – go to the bank – have a date with Rosie Palmer – have a date with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters – have a tug of war with Cyclops – have a wank – hump the fist – jack off – jerk it – jerk off – jerk the gherkin – jerk the johnson – junior Olympic pole vaulting – master debater – paint the ceiling – pet the bunny – play pocket pinball – play with yourself – pluck the twanger – plunk your twanger – polish your knob – polish the family jewels – pound your pud – pudwhack – pud wrestle – pull your pud – pull the pud – punch the clown – punch the munchkin – punish percy – rough up the suspect – rub one off – sap the maple – self-abuse – self-love – sex with someone you love – skin off – slap the salami – smack Lester – snap – spank – spank it – spank the monkey – stranger – stroke it – stroke the salami – torque it – toss – tosser – toss off – wack off – wank – wanker – wank it – wank off – wax the dolphin – whack it – whack off – yank it.

Auditioning the finger puppets – beating around the bush – brushing the beaver – carpet bumping – clam bake for one – creamin' – dialing the rotary phone – dousing the digits – drilling for oil – fanning the fur – feeding the bearded clam – fingerpainting – flickin' the bean – flit your clit – frap – gagging the clam – get a date with slick mittens – get to know yourself – going mining – groping the grotto – greasing your hips – gusset typing – hitchhiking south – jill off – kill a kitten – let the fingers do the walkin' – manual override – muffin buffin' – nulling the void – paddling the pink canoe – pampering the pussy – parting the red sea – pearl fishing – pet the pussy cat – polishing the pearl – play poker – playing with her pineapple – pussy soccer – riding the unicycle – rolling the dough – rub one out – rubbin' the nubbin – soaking the whisker biscuit – spelunking – spearing the bearded clam – squeeze the peach – strumming the banjo – surfing the channel – teasing the tuna taco – the virgin's release – tickling the taco – tiptoe through the twolips – toggling the bit – tossing pink salad – trolling the bermuda triangle – two finger taco tango – washing your fingers.

Either way … enjoy your day. I know I will.

Andee     xoxo


H said...

Love it, and for the record, twice a day for me, I like to end my day the way I start it :)

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious ~ Pete

Anonymous said...

How about 'diddling'
But is that a woman or a man who is the diddler?

Anonymous said...

Didn't mom ever tell you that you would go blind? That's why you keep your eyes closed!!!