April 20, 2011

Flirting Wife | My Husband Deals With It

A friend was asking how I could allow myself to participate in that flirting contest of mine. I had let her in on the secret of how my husband and I made up this bit of fun for the warm weather months here (only wish the warm weather months would cooperate and show up!). She was bordering between intrigued and scandalized.

I’m not suggesting that the idea is something that everyone can enjoy. I think I might even be hard pressed to find any of my friends that would willingly do anything similar. But part of the rules were designed by my husband as a way to shore up his wife's sometimes fickle self-esteem.

As someone who has always been somewhat flirtatious by nature, it hasn’t been all that difficult for me to ease into the “game.” What I actually find harder - and it sounds a bit too egotistical, so I am sorry - is keeping track so I can play fairly. Of course, it doesn’t help that I am usually the initiator in the moment. I guess I like to stir the pot and poke everyone’s imagination towards good places.

Flirting is a very normal, healthy and FUN behaviour. The important thing is to not read too much into it, and have a pretty good understanding of where your own "personal" limits are. 

My friend’s observation was about how can my husband deal with me being a flirt, and allowing other men to flirt with me. I guess I could keep it all to myself and not let him know, or I can play the flirt card and use it to keep the excitement in my relationship.

I’ve blogged about it before and I stand behind the idea of keeping the sense of competition alive in a marriage. Remember when you were dating and all the effort and techniques you would use in pursuing that new partner? Just because 20 years has passed doesn’t mean you can settle into the couch cushions and say “Ok, I’m done …”

That’s probably why so many marriages fall apart.

So, how does my husband deal with a flirtatious wife? I had to grill him, because now my intrigue had been peaked. What motivates a man to freely say he doesn’t mind - and, in fact, hopes - that other men will flirt with his wife?


Not much depth there, Charlie …

My husband, although he now vehemently denies it exists anymore, used to possess a bit of a jealous streak. And since I wasn’t getting too far in the grilling, I turned up the heat and put on the boots again … just for grocery shopping.

Like that puts me in the mood for sex anyway … except for the cucumbers; those fresh, hard, long cucumbers.

Anyway …

As we wandered the food aisles, and he occasionally fell behind (I was on to him pretty quick), he explained that the past 10 years have not just been a growing adventure for us as a couple, and me as a curious and intrigued sexually obsessed woman, but the years have also been an awakening for him.

Hmmm … something I hadn’t thought of again. It’s been a bad week for me and the other side of the coin.

He said that he enjoys seeing his wife become this confident and adventurous woman. Enough doors have been opened and experiences tried that any “fear” he had about me being a shameless flirt pretty much disappeared. The fact that we talk on a sexual level in our relationship has created a deeper understanding. It’s one of the big things that other couples get hung up on, because jealousy prevails.

In a way, it makes a lot of sense because both men and women - generally - struggle with trust issues in relationships. We become possessive to the point of not seeing the benefits. It’s like those fears I know some women have about letting their husbands go to strip clubs. They feel repulsed at the idea that the guy has been out all night staring at naked dancers and then comes home feeling horny and wanting some. Why? I say let the guy come home all hot and bothered and while he’s doing you, put your imagination to use and get some from that cute Fed-Ex guy who wears shorts to show off those incredibly sexy calf muscles.

Sorry … maybe that’s just my thing.

Dealing with flirting doesn’t have to be a life-changer - unless you want it to be a good life-changer.

Asking him to dig deeper into his mind while he wasn’t leering at me in my boots (although that gave me a pretty secure sense anyway), I said I needed to know more so I could tell my friend why this idea works.

What is flirting, other than a natural moment between the sexes, he says. Flirting creates this validation of who we are as sexual beings, without crossing the line of good taste and, for the most part, morality. We all like to see that the animal instincts of attraction are still there, and we are capable of doing the “courting dance” among our peers.

“When guys flirt with you, it boosts your ego. It’s the same for me. I get an ego boost knowing you feel desirable and sexy.”

But the catch, the real key, says my hubby, is how we deal with it as a couple. Talking, sharing and reassuring each other takes away the real “danger” to the relationship and allows us to put the feelings flirting produces to use as a way to fan the flames of passion. It creates a bigger sense of sexual security, which in turn opens the door to understanding, sharing and pursuing healthy fantasies.

Besides, he added … and coyly sliding his hand across my butt … having a wife that is excited and willing to share, explore and set out on this sexual adventure has moved us into our third decade as a couple.

That’s worth every naughty moment considering we know couples that never made it to their third year together.

“Not to mention, I know guys who can’t get their wives to even wear ‘panties.’ I have a wife who willing goes without just for fun.”

Ok, score one there …

Andee     xoxo


Paul E. Wog said...

Interesting and funny. You have a very unique relationship with your husband and that is something a lot of us can't say about our own marriages.

Bill P said...

You have it right when you say know just how far you can go. Flirting can be very fun, and quite natural among people. What gets us in trouble is when we cross the line.

Anonymous said...


H said...

I trust that your relationship with your husband is an envious one for most couples. Flirting keeps us young, wink, nudge, wink, blows a kiss