OK, let’s just call this one Weird Wednesday.
So, last night I was discussing some of my blogging with my husband. He is great for helping me out, offering some suggestions to keep you guys reading past the first paragraph (I hope, anyway), and generally keeping me in the spirit of why I started this.
Part of my life’s path has been exploring a whole exciting, wild, erotic world with him. He’s been my biggest supporter, encourager and sense of reason as I continue what started almost a decade ago. But last night he dropped kind of an odd comment. He said he felt that I was giving all of you a distorted impression of who I am; more than the website model and sex-craved woman I reveal in these ramblings and elsewhere.
It kind of set me off balance. He wasn’t being critical or jealous … but he is the one who has always encouraged the sexuality of it all. He said that guys might get this impression that I’m only driven and interested in pushing the sexual limits. I kind of said, “yeah, so what’s your point?” But truthfully it gave me something to really mull over today.
I started thinking about the motivation for being the outgoing, flirtatious, crazy one in my department at work; for testing the limits with my Office Guys, naughty swinger clubs and longing stares and sexy smiles at my Cute Guy on the train.
I wondered, do any of you want to know who I am truly am under that veiled insecurity of sexy clothes, naughty weekend tales and constant innuendos?
Would that Cute Guy tease me with his steely eyes and flirtatious smile if I didn’t dress up for work on my train days? I’m afraid I’ve grown into this confused sexual beast that has a fascination for new experiences but harbours a healthy dose of the science geek I have always been. Of course, for my husband, he should be thankful because it also means he gets to see - like you - what my mind and fantasies are discovering along the way.
Truth is, behind that mask I’m really kind of not any of it. I’m a farm girl who grew up with a geeky interest in reading, quilting, romance novels and random statistics - especially anything that might be considered bar trivia or lunchtime conversation diversion.
Underneath the clothes I’m naked just like you … but mostly I have very little sense of style. I married a man who (bless his soul) has an unhealthy passion for fashion, style and how to dress a woman - but can still hold his head up high in the locker room after his beer league hockey. When his friends joke about lingerie stores, he secretly gets Christmas cards from Victoria herself! LOL, ok maybe not … but the catalogs come in his name. He can quote my sizes without even a blush, and loves to go shoe shopping.
I’m a lifelong, committed bookworm. If it wasn’t for being edged a little into a crazy world of marital exploration, I’d be tucked away in the library or the bookstore, lost in someone else’s story. I never really looked at any kind of "porn" until I was an active participant in an amateur website.
I’m good with formulas … but that’s because I need to be when I work in the lab. Oh, and I’m actually a real bitch at work. Call it the farm girl in me, but it really bugs me when people don't do their share. Of course, that attitude works to my advantage because then I get to hang with the Office Guys, and they’re a lot more fun than some of my co-workers who don’t speak English at the lunch table.
I make more noise at my sons’ hockey games than any other Mom … and have no shame about laying down some smack to some other Mom who thinks she and her kid are all that! It helps to have a family tree that includes more than a couple convicted Mafiosos. More on that later …
So, is sharing about who the me is behind the me you see all that exciting? Well, I’m not too sure I’m ready to expose those insecurities too deeply. And frankly, reminiscing about my sexual adventures and curiosities is far more interesting … for some reason, it's a lot easier and it gets me laid!