Are We Sexually Illiterate?

It had to be one of the most intriguing statements I had read in a long time: “"We have a very sexualized society but we remain a very sexual illiterate society." I honestly can’t remember where I first found Dr. Guy Grenier’s comment, but I copied it down for a future tweet – as I do with a lot of interesting tidbits I read along the way.

The idea behind sexual illiteracy is that a vast majority of youth do not participate in structured sexual education and therefore do not possess the proper knowledge and understanding that may be required in today’s modern, sexualized society. And let’s be honest, our society is extremely sexualized – to the point where half the people on grocery store magazine covers are famous because they have/are/are denying that they’ve made a sex tape.

As deep and heady of a subject this is, I have to agree that the point is very accurate; and not only applicable to youth, but to adults as well.

It seems, for all our wonderful Western ways, we have forgotten that knowledge and education is something to cherish. Even our information has become the subject of materialism over substance. We’ve gone from trusted sources to instantaneous tweets; facts have become blurred in our obsession with being the first to share and share too much. It’s almost like we have forgotten that we have a responsibility to learn.

And this is something very prevalent today with sex, sexuality and pornography.

For the most part, the evolution of the Internet has led to a dramatic increase in the availability of pornography. Some would say it also offers greater access to sexual education and information; but let’s be honest, when “teen,” “sex” and “MILF” are three of the top five image searches on a regular basis, sexual education is hardly top of mind.

And amateur anatomy class still doesn’t count as sexual education.

The massive access to pornography has helped bring a slightly twisted sense of reality to a lot of people. By no means is this a judgment on my behalf – good heavens, no. I have been a willing and occasionally shameless participant in the adult website realm for over a decade now. But I try to balance the fantasy side of my online life with some insight into my reality through this blog and my Tweets.

Even still, there are a lot of misconceptions out there – some of which have been directed at me too. For example, just because I have an adult website with several thousand sexual images and videos of myself does not mean that I am for hire as an escort … no matter how many times you ask.

I know a number of men who still hold a lot of beliefs that the way sex is in porn, is the way sex is in person. While they see women in these videos seemingly achieve orgasmic ecstasy at the drop of a hat, they struggle to understand that in real life, a large percentage of women can’t achieve an orgasm just from penetration. They wonder what is wrong when everything doesn’t go off on cue, just as it did in last night’s downloaded video.

In their frustration over their experience not matching what they see online, they have difficulty in accepting that their own partners do not respond like Jenna Jamieson. Some have even expressed frustration over not being able to maintain the kind of stamina as what they see from the men in porn.

Sadly, these are educated men, not a group of teenage boys giggling over a dog-eared vintage copy of Playboy. Somewhere in their sexual mind, they have neglected to understand that these people are actors. Jenna gets paid a lot of money to pretend that she is having the time of her life, every time. The random male actor of the day has a lot of pharmaceutical help in maintaining his erection for so long – because if he doesn’t, some other anonymous beefcake is ready to step in.

And that close up cum shot all over her face, breasts, butt, etc? Most likely a mixture of icing sugar, lemon juice and some other gunk spurted out of a large syringe off camera.

I have male friends who know a little too much about me (OK, that’s not such a bad thing) ask for very intimate advice because they “just don’t get what their wives really want.” I tell all of them the same thing – the first thing she wants is to be able to talk to you, and then share with you and not have you judge or dismiss what she is saying. And she wants you to be as open and honest.

She wants you to pay attention to the cues she is giving you, not what you think should be the cues because “that’s what worked on Jenna in that video.”

Take a leap and share your vulnerability and you’ll be amazed at the wonderful things it can do to your relationship. And be willing to learn a thing or two along the way … in fact, make your mission to learn something new.

Women are equally as guilty. I have also sat and listened to my female coworkers and friends discuss sexual expectations and bedroom barriers. With some, the hatred and disgust they feel towards their partners is unbelievable. The best advice my mother gave me was, even when you’re mad as hell at them, never belittle your partner in front of others.

Some friends complain that their husbands have lost interest – or simply can’t be bothered. If you don’t talk about it openly, what do you expect? They may have shut down because they’re tired of being shut out.

And this works both ways.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of these frustrations aren’t motivating factors in some divorces. The lack of understanding the difference between fantasy and reality can be a very dangerous shortcoming.

Yet, we remain ashamed of our desire for safe and pleasurable sex lives.

If your sexual relationship is based on what you saw on the Internet … there may be a need for you to change your Google search from “turn me on” to something a little more in tune with learning what your partner’s turn-ons might be.

Andee     xoxo