March 30, 2013

Rant | Yummy Mummy ... Indeed

On Saturday, one of my regular reads and online connections, Sex In Words, wrote a blog to direct readers' attention to a column on HuffPost Canada by Canadian sexual health expert and relationship author, Dr. Trina Read. The piece was contemplating the reality of why women need to shed their "yumminess" and get back to focusing on sexual satisfaction.

A well-written article with some great perspective - but it also falls right into the same damn trap as the idea of why some young (and not-so-young) women today try to achieve the Yummy Mummy status: because they let other people define who they are.

And as such, most of it just pissed me off. It's the same reason why, back on March 22, I tweeted: "Be impossible to define; for definitions are simply labels which other people want to place on us in order to form their own opinions."

Don't get me wrong; I really enjoy Dr. Read's columns and her own website, But that doesn't mean I always have to agree to what she puts out there.

Dr. Read's column takes us through the past 60+ years of feminism - beginning with the "sex is a chore" stereotpye of the 1950s, to the free-wheeling-before-AIDS '80s, and then to what she figures must be the too-weary-to-bother days of last week. Now, to be fair, she does say that a lot of the prevailing attitudes of the day were "assumed." But, unfortunately, so is her perspective on this one.

She comments with what I hope is a rhetorical question: "How's a gal supposed to keep up?" and "Yes, women can and do orgasm, but they find little satisfaction in sex because they are not getting or giving it the time it needs to be enjoyable."

Keep up with what? The new stereotype that the media and pop culture want to force on us? It's no different than the expectation in the 1950s that women were expected to wear pearls, make Apple Brown Betty and hang the white linens on the clothesline. Seriously, where do you think that stereotype came from? Do you really believe Barbara Billingsley lived a life parallel to June Cleaver?

I'm sorry, but any modern woman who looks at the cover shots on grocery store gossip magazines and yearns to be that celebrity model has way bigger issues than her orgasms. And as harsh as that statement might be, the truth behind it is that we, as a society overall, need to give up on these delusions of living a Hollywood lifestyle. That character flaw in each of us (and yes, to a degree, it is in each of us) is one reason why our personal debt load is a record highs, why our children have a "you're special" complex and why the generation entering the workforce today expects the world to bow at their feet - and the paycheque to have six digits before the decimal.

Even actresses and models themselves are coming out of the "photoshop" closet to educate the minions that what they see on these covers is not a true representation.

But sadly, we popularize the dim-witted and pursue the attention of fame, even if it is for no other contributing value to society than another "leaked" sex tape. How is it that the daughter of a hotel chain owner can transform her party-girl lifestyle into something that becomes TMZ fodder? Or why should TMZ even exist? Because we give them the power to. As a society, we get sucked into idolizing these shenanigans as opposed to taking pity on their pathetic attempt at adding value to our world with their spoiled-rotten existence.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to hold these "new, sexy, chic and always-on-top-of-her-game celebrity mom" types as role models. Children to them are nothing more than accessories and headline fodder. Don't have a movie out? Let's adopt our 19th new family member from Guam and parade them around with the rest of our United Nations offspring. Most of the are destined to be line items in the divorce proceedings or guest stars on Celebrity Rehab.

Perhaps part of the problem with young women and sex today is that for everything else in their life, someone else has been expected to jump up and give it to them; just like these sex-tape socialites. They don't see why they are expected to actually "earn" or "achieve" something if it isn't attached to a reality show contract.

And I hazard to say, it's probably the same with their orgasms. "Cum? Like, seriously ... ugh ... that is, like, too much effort, you know. I might get, like, sweaty when I'm not even wearing my Lululemons. I barely, like, sweat for my gay trainer Franz, never mind my husband. Why don't you, like, do it and then just text me ... K!"

This young generation won't be the inventors of tomorrow because they're too busy waiting for someone to drop it in their lap ... unless it is another social media platform or iPhone app that requires their generation to shut out human contact even more. Their genius isn't around discovery and failure, it's around laziness and  shortcuts to ego-fulfilling fame.

If a "Yummy Mummy" has dark circles under her eyes from trying to balance her life, it has little to do with her ambition to be the perfect supermodel wife, mother and talented career woman. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that the little princess married a man who expected the world to revolve around his lazy ass and over-priced Beemer. "Help with the kids? Fuck that, the guys are watching MMA tonight."

My sexuality is defined by me. Now granted, I break a whole bunch of socially-accepted rules to live by that definition, but it is still mine and mine alone. Same with my orgasms. I am one of those tired, bags-under-the-eyes mothers and career women - but I can tell you this much: I LOVE SEX ... I CAN'T GET ENOUGH SEX. And just to make you jealous ... I get LOTS OF IT!

But I take responsibility for that on my own. My husband and I juggle a busy household better than the acrobats in the New Shanghai Circus (whom, by the way, are just friggin' awesome) juggle their best china plates. We're beyond tired most days - but we also subscribe to an extremely unique philosophy in these modern times: marriage requires effort. And neither of us are hung up on a celebrity lifestyle that is way beyond our means. We have no gender roles in our house ... we have things that need to get done and places for people to be. If your ego is too fragile to handle making dinner or loading the dishwasher, move home and let Mommy slap that meal down in front of your selfish face.

Flaws - not perfection - are what make us individuals. The pursuit of trying to be someone we are not is a wasteful and fruitless exercise; with even more dire results between the sheets. If you want to be a Yummy Mummy, be one that has character flaws; be one that is attractive because she is a confident, sexual, flirtatious, less-than-perfect woman.

Those flaws are what make you interesting ... they are what make you "yummy" to more men than you could ever imagine. (And, as an aside, where I come from "yummy mummy" is a definition applied to those women who - in the men's eyes - are not quite at the MILF status but are still deemed worthy of their adolescent leering and snide sexual comments.)

If you try too hard to be one of those made-from-their-own-marketing pop culture sluts, the men in your life won't give a shit about your orgasm as they notch another "score" on their fragile male ego.

Oh, I just want to point out that I almost made my point without criticizing the good doctor for using Angelina Jolie as a reference in her column. I have no idea why any woman, young or old, would want to idolize a husband-stealing, cold, crazy bitch like her. Even in the swamp of pop culture icons, there are better, more attractive Hollywood scarecrows to hold up as examples.

Oops ... typing in my outside voice again.
Andee     xoxo

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