January 31, 2013

Fantasies | Fueling The Creative Process

I'm a huge fan of Josey Vogels, the My Messy Bedroom columnist and sexologist. I love her perspective on so many subjects, and relish the fact that so many of my ideas are not as whacked as I sometimes think they are. It's always nice to have some validation.

Recently I read a blog of hers about how women could expand their sexual fantasies; which hit on two of my favourite subjects - sex and fantasies.

The column in this particular case was about how she was becoming bored with the sex life she had in her head - her fantasies. It seemed that she was beginning to think that they were becoming a little "routine" ... and felt a little "scripted."

And, of course, that can be natural. So much of the sexual message we receive pushes us into certain well-worn paths of sexual fantasy: women are supposed to have bi-curious desires; lust for a mysterious stranger; yearn to be dominated in the bedroom.

All very much part of the mainstream philosophy on erotica, romance and fantasy. Plot lines in most quick-read novels follow that tired formula. Part of which may have contributed to the success of Fifty Shades - it broke away from the "torn bodice and heaving bosoms" of the Harlequin Romance formula.

All you need to do is a quick search online and you'll find hundreds of links to "Her Top 10 Fantasies" or "What He Really Wants To Try" ... all contrived messages from so-called experts and editorialists saying what it is we should be thinking.

"Part of the problem is that women and men have been told for too long what to fantasize about. In other words, if you tell enough men that the average man’s top sexual fantasy is to be with two women, then every time you ask a guy what his top fantasy is, lacking anything more creative or not wanting to sound like a freak, he’ll repeat what the other boys say," Vogels writes.

Creativity is very important when it comes to a healthy sexual fantasy. The ability to fantasize is extremely important to the human imagination - whether those fantasies fall within the confines of "Her Top 10" or not.

"Our imaginations are also limited by the cultural and social baggage we drag into our fantasy world. For instance, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that common fantasy lists for women involve some form of exhibitionism, while men’s lists usually include some sort of voyeuristic Peeping Tom themed scenario. After all, if you look at sexuality as it’s often depicted in our culture, women are watched and men do the watching."

Fantasies are the perfect place to fuck with these stereotypes and try anything we want. They are our own personal desires, not a situation that society says we should relish.

But how do we get there? How do we get past the notion that if our fantasies do not match up with some list published by a pathetic Carrie Bradshaw wannabe in a trashy women's magazine that there must be something wrong with us?

The advice?

Start an erotic diary ... or, if you're like me, a personal blog.

Getting in touch with your own personal desires is the key to unleashing the imagination and freeing yourself from the confusion of not living up to someone's expectations for your sex life.

Personally, I have many fantasies that don't rank on any Top 10 list ... maybe not even a Top 100. I have fantasies that I share with my husband, and I have fantasies that are so vanilla that Harlequin writers laugh at me. But most importantly, I have my OWN fantasies ... and a wonderful place to vent when I need to let them roam free in my imagination.

I hope you find yours.
Andee     xoxo

1 comment:

Gemma Jones said...

Sexual fantasy is something that I find endlessly facinating. I love to hear stories of other people's fantasies and explore the nuances of imagination. Nothing gets my sexual motor going better than someone with an imagination that steps outside the box.
It saddens me that adults in this world are so constrained by our culture and not wanting to appear weird that they have completely lost touch with their imagination to the point where they cannot even participate in dress up parties for their children.