May 10, 2012

Flirting | A Sign Of Confidence

On Sunday I was surfing around for a few silly bits and pieces to use as my tweets on Monday; because I know how much you guys like my bits and pieces. I had spent the weekend in full motion, celebrating the eighth anniversary of my 30th birthday. I learned this weekend that I shouldn’t use the phrase “getting old” because it is usually met with a long rant from my husband about how I’m not “old.” Regardless, I love his deeply sweet efforts at making me feel special … even more so because I recognize that a lot of women I know don’t get the same treatment from their partners.

It was a great couple of days for me; being the centre of attention and challenged to accept the part with an open mind. It’s generally not my nature to be that way – and I admit there is a hint of guilt for the delicious feeling of being spoiled.

What added to the experience was something that remains a big part of why I’m here; online, writing for you guys, posing for you guys, sharing intimate thoughts and desires openly. My weekend, and the days leading up to my husband’s grand scheme had me soul-searching some of my darkest fantasies – mostly sexual, but some simply lifestyle desires as well.

The intention wasn’t to force me into a moment of fulfilling something; because despite the brazen attitude with which I blog, I need a lot of time to muster the courage to step out of my shell of reality. Instead, we spent a lot of our time in conversation about all the things we fantasize over, the things that count as must-do’s and reconnecting to some of the experiences we have enjoyed in our past but have let slip away in the tornado winds that come with parenting, working and day-to-day life.

During the time we were driving from our romantic dinner on the waterfront to the next destination in our celebration, we had some time to talk about more recent developments in my life, and specifically about my relationship with the man you have come to know as my Office Guy. And through all of that, I found myself explaining a little to my husband about how being able to flirt with him had not only gained me an incredible friend, but also allowed my mind to discover new things about myself and my desires – and my willingness to explore making some fantasies come true.

I don’t make it much of a secret, as I have said in earlier blogs, that flirting is important to me. Not so much because I have any esteem issues, but more so because in my work environment having that male friend – an outlet to spark my imagination – is a very important part of breaking from the depressing reality that surrounds me.

And with so many of those thoughts still fresh in my mind, I started to look around to see if anyone shared my outlook on being a married woman with a “hall pass,” or am I just a bit twisted with the kinky ideas that swirl around in my mind. Along the way, I discovered this advice piece on a website geared towards men, which I think is trying to present lifestyle topics with a hint of sarcasm, humour and light-heartedness.

Or, at least I hope so …

The column I was reading was about “why women flirt” and trying to offer some explanations as to why we behave that way. Overall, it was a fun read because I like to see what it is men believe about us. However, the piece left me with sense of frustration in the end as opposed to enlightenment.

One of the “reasons” they identified as motivation for a woman to flirt – especially if she is involved in a relationship – is her “lack of self-confidence.” The article painted the picture as if a married woman needed to know there was an alternative (or that she was able to find one) in the event of her current relationship breaking down. The author’s take was that women are instinctively needy and on a constant path of seeking new men to reassure them.

I just had to call shenanigans on this one, because in my opinion there is nothing further from the truth.

I’m not going to say that there aren’t some women who have self-confidence issues and a habit of constantly seeking men’s approval. But I tend to believe that those women have deeper emotional issues than just “flirting to win approval from an alternative.”

Just as there are some women who fall from one disastrous relationship to another – or “jump” from bed to bed – these are not the kind of actions that define all of us. Rather, these are actions that raise concern/empathy for a few examples. To suggest that when a woman flirts she is actively seeking an alternative to the man she has in her life is about as generalized as us saying “all men are pigs.”

What I do think is that a lot of married women – me included – see flirting as a way to keep the mind and imagination engaged. When I flirt, it is usually because my self-confidence is actually pretty high. In a way, it’s a case of my bravery being a little more prominent that day and I’m feeling like I can challenge the confines of my comfort zone. It rarely is an invitation to anything other than a mental and intellectual distraction. As such, I’m alright with the idea of my fellow flirter undressing me with his imagination – because that is all he is going to be able to do.

Flirting, when done properly, is rarely about overt sexual invitation. It’s a fine art of placing innuendo into a conversation that could be about anything – baseball, hockey, shopping, weekend plans, etc. It’s a manner of sharing a moment with someone else that fires a little spark, challenges the wit and distracts the mind from the stresses of reality. Some of it is entrenched in sexuality, but the responsibility for seeing that belongs to the other person.

To me, it’s never about being needy, or seeking an alternative partner as a “just in case” plan. In fact, the longer I am married, the more freedom I feel to challenge my imagination and the more at ease I feel within myself for doing so. Maybe that’s because I am still able to flirt with my husband, or maybe that’s because I am able to recognize that flirting doesn’t have to be dangerous, or toxic to a marriage.
Andee     xoxo


Anonymous said...

I think a lot of these so called experts like to use century old psychiatry to explain modern behavior. Women have changed from the Victorian age...and evrry guy should be thankful for it.

Anonymous said...

Here here!! Flirt dear lady, flirt!