This morning I was reading this cute little "expert advice" column on "Eight Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Couples" and I thought ... right. To be fair, a couple of the points were actually very bang on. But mostly it was a very vanilla examination of what goes on behind closed doors - and I'm not sure that they have it all that accurate.
So, at the risk of coming across like a know-it-all, I thought I would offer my own insight into what makes for a sexcessful relationship:
Andee's Six Secrets For Sexcess
1. Sexcessful Couples TalkYou've read my soapbox stance on this repeatedly for over a year now, but there is a whole lot of truth to it. Communication is the key in a sexually healthy relationship, because couples need to not only talk about the day-to-day boring stuff like bills, groceries and mortgage rates, but they must also be able to talk about what turns that spark in their libido into a red-hot flame.
I don't know about you, but as I experience new things and mature, my interests, thoughts, desires and fantasies change with me. If I don't communicate these things with my husband, some day he'll wake up and think that he no longer knows me. To be sexcessful, you need to have an open mind and be able to connect with your partner. And great communication eliminates any of those awkward "assumptions" that can sometime occur.
2. Sexcessful Couples Connect OutsideSome people we know have kids...and it seems pretty obvious that they may have had sex at least that many times. I'm proud of the fact that my coworkers assume my husband and I are sexting every time I have my cellphone out at the lunch table. I love that they think I am a sex-craved pervert. And I'm proud our sex life is not confined to mattress dancing in our own bedroom.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my date night with my husband and the sex-toy fun I had on the way home in the front seat. I've had sex on a quiet country road where I left my handprints on the back window of my car; sex in a friend's bed while they were there doing the same; on camera while others watched; made sex videos...you get the picture (and there's a few of those out there too). We work at keeping the excitement level high by refusing to fall into a routine.
3. Sexcessful Couples ShareMy husband knows me probably a little better than me...but that is because we live our relationship like an open book. We share everything. I tell my husband about the shameless flirting that goes on at work...usually while we are getting busy between the sheets. I let him watch when I pleasure myself, and every now and then, he returns the favour (overdue, sweetie!). And it doesn't stop there...but when you hide what goes on in your life - be it at work, school, home, social settings - from your partner, you are creating a barrier in the relationship.
I don't think I have ever been shy about sharing my interest/desire/passion/lust for experiencing a threesome with you guys...and you only get what I can manage to type. At home, with my husband, I share even deeper details, passions and fantasies - all with the intention of letting him into my sexual mind and stoking his lust for me. Love is great, especially when spiced with a little lust.
Which brings me, naturally to ...
4. Sexcessful Couples FantasizeIt is very healthy to fantasize; and it is very human. Our ability to use the imagination as one of the best sex toys around is incredible - and so, sex fantasies can be exceptionally positive and inspiring when it comes to getting busy.
“Some partners share fantasies routinely as a part of lovemaking not only because it is arousing, but because it gives the couple a sense of heightened intimacy, explains Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., a certified sex therapist and director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, California.
Now, while this may sound all perfect and delightful, this is where it becomes even more important that couples have a strong level of communication already. If you've never opened that door before, suddenly blurting out to your partner that you want to have a wild night of threesome sex with that guy from the train may not generate the sexual enthusiasm you were hoping for...
5. Sexcessful Couples ExperimentI have to admit that I would have never imagined myself as an amateur sexual scientist. Then I met my husband. He has introduced me to so many new experiences and opened my mind to new desires and pleasures. Would I have developed such an attachment to my battery-operated boyfriend had my hubby not bought me one? Maybe, but probably not to the degree of toe-curling delight that I do now. Then there is the whole resolving of my bi-curious nature.
Is this for everyone? No, but couples need to find there own way with experimenting and allowing their sexual desires to come out. Maybe you are not in it for swinging from the chandeliers, or steamy pulsating orgies. But everyone has a little something they would like to try - does your partner know that about you?
6. Sexcessful Couples Don't QuitOne of the worst things I see in some of my friends' and family's relationships are that they settle for just "OK." They quit trying to keep the flames alive and simply fall into a routine of "Oh, it's Tuesday ..."
It's very frustrating to watch couples who have let the passion and sexual heat fade; even more so because I think people get caught up in perceived social acceptance that adults don't act that way anymore. Why do we lose the excitement and lust we enjoyed as teenagers just because we achieved some chronological number past 30?
There will always be those who say we shouldn't act like we love and lust over our partner in a public setting...and I say jealousy takes form in many different ways. When you quit trying to keep the flames of passion burning in a relationship, you've let those who feel it is their place to determine how we interact with others win in their miserable own mission.
I take pride in pissing off my miserable married coworkers with my overly sexed lifestyle and intimate connection with my husband.
I've earned the right to be sexsessful.
And sure, there are things like trust, respect and honour ... but those should be givens if you are in a committed relationship. Regardless of what you think works for other couples, you have to find your own way; and that starts with paying attention to all those important ways to connect with your partner.