1. Do you think that acting out a fantasy can sometimes cause damage to a relationship?
I think what is more important than anything else when it comes to sexual fantasies and relationships is ensuring that you have a very healthy conversation around them. Sexual fantasies are normal, and exciting. But they also leave you being very exposed and vulnerable when you share them with a partner. Having mutual respect, understanding and fascination will create a very fantasy-positive atmosphere in which to share – and that is more important. Also, it’s important that when your partner is sharing a sexual fantasy, to remember that they are inviting you into their imagination and if you judge them for it, it may be the last time you ever get to visit that magical place.
Fantasies can also touch on jealousies within a relationship. If your husband’s best friend is an absolutely drool-worthy, drop those pants now mister cause I wanna suck on your hard cock kind of guy, then it makes sense to be … um … cautious/respectful with your husband when telling him how much you fantasize about his friend. And conversely, you may not expect what he has in his own mind about your friend, sister, or that drop dead gorgeous are they real or implants blonde intern from accounting, etc.
However, understanding that fantasies are healthy and allowing the other person to feel comfortable in being able to share theirs is vital in a long-lasting relationship.
And never use a confessed fantasy as a weapon. If you resort to throwing something back at a person during a heated argument or moment of jealousy, it can take years (if ever) to rebuild the trust that will have been torn down by that. A fantasy is just that, a fantasy, not a plan for infidelity.
2. Some couples role play their fantasies rather than introducing another person into the relationship to live out their fantasies. Do you think that this is an acceptable substitute?
I would think that this is how a vast majority of couples explore their fantasies. For a lot of couples, the excitement is in the fantasy – the mind-fuck that goes along with the whole idea. Acting out a fantasy is a safe way of pretending, because acting on a fantasy brings a very complicated series of events into play.
When you actually bring another person into your sex life, there are a whole new set of dynamics involved. For me, the obvious angle is that of having a second man join my husband and I; that is my specific fantasy. But, reality is, how well will the two men interact with each other. And I don’t mean anything bisexual, but I know that for a man it can be very difficult psychologically to be naked in front of another man and sexually aroused. Men are not wired that way. Men in our culture are taught to be somewhat homophobic and trying to get two men erect in syncronisity can be next to impossible. Have you seen it in porn? So have I – and I also know male porn actors resort to a lot of chemical assistance for erections these days.
Maybe your thing is two women. I also love that idea, and would love to watch my husband in the moment with one of his fantasies – but he would rather watch me with her. So, what would you do if you discovered the girls were truly more into each other and left you on the sidelines all night long? Unless that is your fantasy, you might be a bit sexually frustrated – while they sleep away in post-orgasmic exhaustion.
Mind-fucks are easy to control – real people in the mix are complicated and never what you think.
3. Is there a particular movie or TV series or character from a movie or TV series that you fantasize about?
Without question – Thor; played by Australian actor Chris Hemsworth. I could watch that movie naked and without the volume turned on time and time again. Although I might be inclined to also turn up the volume every now and then so anyone else in the house can’t hear my reaction … of the hum of my own vibrating Thor’s hammer!
4. Apart from the obvious things like child abuse, are there some things that are ‘off limits’ for a fantasy (e.g. incest, age play, rape)? Why, or why not?
I’m game for most things; and my fantasies are predominantly rooted in some very traditional “fantasy” themes – threesomes, lesbian encounters, stranger sex. But I can say I have no interest in ideas such as incest or age-play. I hate the expression “who’s your daddy” and have no clue as to why any woman would find that remotely erotic. It leads me to believe that, like many other elements of our current society, these are ideas from men that women are supposed to buy into without questioning why. It comes across to me like “superiority” and not in a fun and exciting way, but rather a sexist and chauvinistic fashion – which I find a huge turn-off.
That said, since I launched my website back in 2002, I have learned a great deal about the many kinky things that turn people on. I must say, some of it is rather … shocking. So fantasies built around body fluids/excrement are definitely not my cup of tea; nor is pain and humiliation. I just can’t wrap my brain around how some of that is sexually stimulating.
5. What is the most taboo thing you have every fantasized about doing?
Oh wow … tough question. I don't think any of my personal fantasies border on truly taboo subjects, but there is one that pushes the envelope a bit when you consider the factors involved. I wrote a Fantasy Friday about getting hot and dirty with my Office Guy at work – which would cross the line for both HR policy and his current dilemma (known to most people as marriage and not having a partner who is willing to explore, experiment or even discuss) My fantasy has me doing it with my friend on the desk in his office. I'll let you know if this one ever comes to fruition!
6. Tell us about a fantasy that you have you don’t ever see yourself actually acting out? Why do you think you will never act it out?
I think I have a couple of those – but truly, I don’t see my lesbian weekend with Jennifer Aniston or my threesome with Faith Hill and Tim McGraw ever coming to a reality. But those are, for the most part, just silly notions that are fun to daydream about.
In reality, there are one or two of my fantasies that I can’t see happening – mostly due to very typical constraints, such as the people involved are in committed relationships and have not expressed any interest in exploring outside of those relationships. And the one about being forced to avoid paying a ticket by exchanging sex acts in the back of a police cruiser – well, you can see the obvious challenges involved in that one becoming a true reality.
7. Have you ever pretended the person you were having sex with was someone else without telling them?
Haven’t we all? But it’s not as deceptive as you may want to think. I think it tends to border on human nature for our imaginations to occasionally run wild in certain moments. You know, if my mind has been tormented all day by the lingering stare I took of the UPS guy’s incredible calves in those shorts he wears, I don’t think it is hurtful for momentary thoughts of how that turned me on while my husband is pounding away on me.
I guess it is the same reason why I don’t have an issue with my husband going to strip clubs and coming home horny. I get the benefits of someone else’s effort.
Fortunately, our kink is deep enough that we don’t have issues with those kind of distractions while we are having sex. On more than a few occasions we use those as fodder for sexual dirty talk in the heat of the moment.
Remember, sex is supposed to fun. Just because I get fleeting pangs of lust over someone who caught my eye that day doesn’t mean I am going to throw away 20+ years of building a life and an exciting relationship with my husband. It just means I have a healthy libido and a partner that allows me the freedom of imagination to enjoy it.
8. Have you ever tried to make a fantasy a reality only to have it fail miserably? What happened?
Hmm … I don’t necessarily want to say “fantasy into reality” but we have had a couple jaunts into the swinging lifestyle set us back in pursuit of some greater sexual exploits because of how those experiences played out.
Our first foray involved a nice couple we met through an online forum specifically for couples. They were really nice people, but we had no chemistry with them. We still see them every now and then at a club we like to go to, but otherwise, not so much.
Another venture was with some friends that we met through another couple, and after a few beverages discovered they shared some of the same ideas as we did. However, after a couple of different encounters, we gradually just came to the conclusion that they were going to be good “vanilla” friends, but not “swinging” friends.Not quite “miserable failures” but certainly encounters that stalled further lifestyle exploration. Of course, now that our children are older and more self-sufficient, I would like to get myself back into “drool-worthy” shape and try again.
Bonus: Tell us your most cherished fantasy. Did you ever live it out? Please give us all the juicy details because that is the kind of people we are!
At the risk of overkill – because I blog about it quite a bit – my most cherished fantasy is a nice little MFM threesome.
Now, have I lived it out … no, but I’ve been damn close a couple times and that adds to my desire and frustration over this fantasy.
Andee xoxo
1 comment:
Thanks for the wonderfully thoughtful responses. It was a pleasure reading them.
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