My sexual adventure has been building, evolving and taking left turns for almost a decade now. And in that time I have had the opportunity to change my bi-curiosity into recognizing my bisexuality. I have dipped my toes into “the lifestyle” and recognize there are still a lot of things I would like to continue to explore in that regard. And, as you have all read about over the past couple months, I explored an even bigger fantasy, turning it into a reality – and anxiously await the opportunity for a repeat.
I’m not sure where this thought came out though – maybe in one of the many conversations I have had with friends about the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy – but, “is there anything that still scares you in a sexual way?”
Yes, absolutely … but not in a Fifty Shades kind of way; but sort of, at the same time.
As I have explored more and more about what turns me on, and what are some of my own sexual kinks, likes and dislikes, there isn’t much left that I would like to try. There is an awful lot, as I mentioned, that I would like to try again, mind you. Overall, I’ve had an assortment of sexual acts performed on me, with me, for me, had a variety of things inserted here, there and damn-you-better-use-extra-lube-if-you’re-going-there, and ultimately discovered what gets me off.
I’m not scared by experimenting sexually. I might get butterflies and have a healthy combination of excitement and nerves, but overall I think I have done most of what can be done without involving pain and humiliation.
To a certain degree, what scares me the most about sex is discovering something that I can’t always have. For example: I have a huge desire to participate in a full-out MFM threesome. I can’t tell you how much of my sexual fantasy revolves around this idea – to the point where it occupies the top three spots on my sexual bucket list, just to be sure. My husband and I have dabbled around the opportunity to the point where it is kind of that “next step.” But what I am afraid of is that like a lot of fantasies, the reality of the moment could go one of two ways: either it fails to live up to the billing, or I love it so much that it becomes an obsession.
Right now, the object of my non-marital desire is mired in his own marital complications. And I’m not a woman who is going to seek out a third for my fantasy just to check it off the list. I want someone who I am attracted to.
So, while my husband and I mutually enjoy this part of the adventure as things unfold, we have to recognize that the other person involved is doing so in a much more secretive and complicated fashion. And I’m afraid that I might just enjoy it a bit too much, and then watch it get even more complicated as time passes.
Another thought to add to the mix, there is part of me that is still scared by the idea of finding myself in a sexual situation where I have no control. Again, even in those brief and somewhat vanilla BDSM situations I have found myself, there has always been an element of security, knowing I could say “stop” in the event that I wasn’t enjoying it. I’m not sure what kind of situation I would ever find myself in without that being a reasonable understanding, but losing control is something that does scare me.